


My Existential Crisis is Living Without You

by butternana



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan
Genre: Angst, Anime References, Because I am anime trash #1, Extreme sarcasm, Fluff, Free! - Freeform, Haru is Dan's bae, Lots of awkward encounters, M/M, PINOF, Self-Discovery, Which is basically their entire lives, lots and lots of angst, makoharu - Freeform, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 01:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6218209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butternana/pseuds/butternana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He didn't posses romantic feelings towards Phil. He'd dated girls before, he knew that liking someone constituted thinking about them day in day out, wanting to be by their side 24/7, wanting to make that person smile no matter what. </i>
</p><p>  <i>Dan didn't think about wanting to make Phil smile all the time. He just didn't want to see Phil upset. That was different right? It's natural not to want to see your best friend upset. So no, he at least knew that he wasn't romantically attracted to Phil. He ruled out having a crush on Phil. The only problem now was, he couldn't figure out what was causing his emotional turmoil.</i></p><p>This is a story in the lives of Dan and Phil, and how Dan realises the true meaning of having an existential crisis: life isn't worth living without Phil.</p><p>Basically a fic of their lives behind the camera and what goes on that we don't see.</p><p>Lots of angst, but I promise lots of fluff too. Prepare yourself for an emotional roller-coaster. Let's begin. </p><p>New chapters out every week :) Please leave a like or comment for me to improve, thank you! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello Internet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Please do watch Phil Is Not On Fire 7 on AmazingPhil's channel as well as the bloopers to it on Danisnotinteresting's channel because I make references to them. All references to the videos are from these videos and they do not belong to me. Enjoy! :)

"Hi. My name is... Dan."

"OH MY GOD AHHH GET THIS OUT OF MY FACE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!" Dan squealed as he attempted to push the laptop screening his first ever Youtube video off the bed and hopefully it would land in hell where it belonged. Phil's laughter was cut short as his laptop was nearly flung to pieces by Dan thrashing about.

"Dan! You nearly broke my laptop!" Phil chided, holding his laptop close to prevent a wild Dan from smashing it to pieces.

"Well then next time don't show me that god forsaken video ever again. God. One of these days I will actually get off my butt and invent a time machine so I can go back to 2009 Dan and kick my foot so far up his ass he wouldn't be able to shit for..."

"Dan! Do you have to be so vulgar in the morning?" Phil gave a mortified look while covering his ears, but Dan could tell he was suppressing a smile.

"Whose fault is it for waking me up at...God damn it Phil, why are you waking me up at 10am in the morning!" Dan exclaimed as he shot a death glare at Phil.

"Are you actually being serious right now? This is the normal human time for waking up in case you didn't realise."

"Yea well, it's in the morning. Dan doesn't do waking up in the morning. Who invented mornings anyway. Must have been a moron. They both share the same first syllable anyway."

"That is literally one of the worst jokes you have ever made in your life."

"Yea well get used to my morning humour. If you don't want to hear it then don't wake me up at this hour again." Dan kicked off his blanket and made his way groggily to the bathroom.

"Hurry up and get dressed. We have to start filming Phil is not on fire soon. It's long overdue and I can't go a minute without getting a tweet from a fan asking when we're going to upload it. They have been waiting for a year for this Dan. The least you can do is at least try and show some enthusiasm." Hearing a disgruntled form of a 'yes' from Dan, Phil carried his laptop over to his room and set up the camera in preparation for filming. He continued to play 'Hello Internet' in the background and smiled while he worked. He actually liked watching foetus Dan. It made him see just how much Dan had grown over the years, and he didn't just mean physically. 7 years of making videos together. It seemed surreal to Phil, yet he knew it was really happening with Dan in the next room singing whilst removing any evidence of his hobbit hair. This was going to be an amazing video. He just knew it.

\----------------------------------

"Butt in the air, close your eyes." Now there's a sentence Dan thought he'd never hear coming from Phil. But oh well, what happens in Phil is not on fire is purely the result of... well, no one really knows. Maybe the marker ink seeps into their skin making them high. In the sky. Where birds can fly. Where Jesus lies. Ok, they really need to stop drawing cat whiskers on their faces.

"Squawk!"

"OHHHHHH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT THE F- YOU MOTHER F—" Of course, Phil would make Dan sit on Timothy. That damn bird belonged in hell together with 'Hello Internet'.

Phil broke out in laughter at Dan's reaction, but then again who wouldn't? Dan was by far the most adorable, genuine and funny person Phil knew. It was hard not to laugh whenever Dan was around. And that was the beauty of Dan. Before he could get too distracted with his thoughts, he had to remember that they were doing serious, well semi-serious, well not-at-all-serious-but-kind-of-serious-because-they-had-to-upload-the-video-eventually-otherwise-phangirls-would-kill-them, business. Phil knew he was an open book. He couldn't let thoughts like that distract him otherwise the viewers would speculate. He'd come to learn that Phangirls are even sharper than hawks. One wrong move and they would leap forward stealthily like predators, catching you before you even realised what had happened.

But it was really hard to not think things like that when he noticed how Dan was trying his best not to swear for Phil's sake. Phil could tell that not swearing didn't come easy to Dan. He would often catch him saying "What the f—What was that?!", trying his best to cover up and not spew profanities. It was a really sweet gesture, and Phil took note to thank Dan for his thoughtfulness after filming. For now, Phil just really needed to focus on not thinking about Dan's hazel eyes or the way his dimples... STOP IT PHIL. FOCUS. Dan is your best friend. Your BEST FRIEND. The end. That's all there is to it. Nothing more. Nada.

\----------------------------------

"...Until I get inside you, and submerge myself in your red juices, I can't... Ahh! Ahh! Ahhhhhh! I'm complete! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmm!"

Things just got a lot more difficult for Phil.

Why oh why did they have to re-enact such a vulgar fan fiction, and worst of all, why was Dan so engrossed in it? It wasn't just how vulgar the fic was. It was how easily Dan pretended the two of them were a couple on video. It made his heart ache. The whole scene made Phil a bit uncomfortable, but seeing Dan just be his ridiculous self made it worth it. Dan, being his best friend, however, knew with just one look how uncomfortable Phil was.

"I'm sorry, it's just that the phans really love this kind of nonsense. I hope you don't feel too awkward." Dan shot a smile at him, hoping to ease the tension. Dan always knew when Phil was upset, and that was what Phil lov-. No. Do not go there. Do not. Go. There.

"It's alright, I get it. Thanks," Phil responded with a hint of a smile, reassuring Dan. If only he knew what was really bothering Phil. It was going to be a long video. Amazing, but long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed the first part to this story so far! This is one of the few chapters where you'll be seeing things more from Phil's point of view, but in future chapters I will be focusing more on Dan's POV :) Please leave comments to help me improve or any suggestions you may have to make this fic better :))


	2. Pizza doesn't solve problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you still haven't watched Phil Is Not On Fire 7, I suggest you do so to understand some of the scenes I mention in both the previous chapter as well as this one. Enjoy :)

"I'm going to take a shower. That bloody yoga pose really hurt my muscles, if I had any that is." Dan lamented, limping towards the bathroom.

"Oh don't be so dramatic." Phil turned off the video camera and set up for the long and tedious process of editing.

"Who knew friendship would hurt this much?"

Phil heard Dan continue his rant as he walked into the bathroom. Shaking his head as he was used to his friend's antics, Phil set out to work with a smile upon his face.

Dan shut the door to the bathroom, placing his hands on either side of the sink. "Who knew friendship would hurt this much?" That hit closer to home than he would have liked. It wasn't so much the actual friendship that hurt, because being with Phil and making videos with him was when Dan felt the most alive.

It was more of the fact that it was, as everyone knew, a friendship. He knew that. Phil knew that. All their friends knew that. He was just really close to Phil that's all, and they had developed a close tight knit friendship over the years together. Phil had helped Dan through some dark times, and it's things like that that just make a friendship iron clad.

Dan looked up at himself in the mirror. Why did his heart ache? It didn't make any sense. Did he want what they had to be more than a friendship? Absolutely not. He most definitely wasn't gay. He liked vagina, Phil liked vagina.

But then why did that sentence keep replaying in his head? He meant for it to be funny, and yet it had struck a chord somewhere inside him. He didn't know what exactly that chord was, but he sure as hell didn't want to find out.

Maybe waking up in the morning really did screw up his brain for the rest of the day. Screw morons and mornings. Splashing water on his reddened face, Dan stepped into the shower, hoping to clear his mind.

\----------------------------------

Rubbing his eyes for the umpteenth time, numbers started to blur with figures. Dan was already tired and it was barely 9pm. They had ordered pizza to eat in while they edited the video, which was the most tedious part of being a Youtuber. It was especially problematic editing this video, because this was part of the long running series PINOF, and since they only uploaded one every year, it had to meet their fans' standards. They had so much footage to work with, and it was incredibly tough to choose what would make the final cut.

The two always went a bit bonkers whenever they filmed PINOF, so there was plenty of material. What was left was sorting out what was good and funny enough to be edited into the video, what was secondarily funny to be put into the blooper video, and other crazy footage to be deleted or buried within their laptops, never to be seen again.

They had replayed the footage countless times, trying to compare which scene would be put into the actual main video.

"I think the salsa fic is a definite must. You were so into it." Phil commented, dragging that particularly disturbing clip to be edited into the video.

"Yea, but I think we all regret that. Including the person who sent in the question." Dan replied, with a slice of pizza hanging from his mouth, much to Phil's disgust.

After a few more debates, they finally settled on what clips they would be using for the video, and it was around 11pm that they finished editing. At least this video didn't require extensive editing like some of the others.

"I think the video's ready to be uploaded. Shall we?" Phil positioned his index finger over the left click button of the mouse.

"We shall." With that, Dan covered Phil's hand with his own, and the two clicked on the upload button together. It had become a habit for the both of them to do that when uploading videos of their collaborations. It just didn't feel right when either Dan or Phil alone uploaded it. It was a combined effort of the two, and damn straight both of them were going to upload the fruits of their labour together.

Within minutes, there were already tons of comments flowing in. Filtering away the usual obnoxious 'First!' comments, the general response was rejoicing over finally getting their long awaited PINOF 7 video. Then there were the comments about their usual weirdness. Ya dah ya dah ya dah. What was new?

Dan did have an unhealthy obsession when it came to comments. He had the habit of harping on comments about Dan and Phil's supposed romantic relationship, especially those that blew things way out of proportion. They always managed to get to him, and not in a good way.

He would never show Phil how much those comments affected him. They'd both been through it before, and it wasn't something that he'd like to bring up again any time in the near future.

Sure, Dan was definitely more open and relaxed, jokingly acting like him and Phil were a couple just for the sake of Phangirls. Hell, he'd even written his own fan fiction. He did feel more at ease joking about the two of them having a romantic relationship than before, but it was comments that crossed the line that irritated him to no end.

Saying that the two of them look so happy and cute together and that yay we ship them was one thing, but hard core, refusing to believe that Phan was anything but the truth, pointing out stupid things like 'OMG DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE LOOKED AT PHIL" was another. Now even a casual glance could be construed as something more.

"Dan? Is everything alright?"

Dan was pulled from his thoughts when concerned blue eyes were gazing into his own. He had made Phil worry about him. Damn it. He hated it when he did that. So much for taking theatre when he was younger. He was still a shit actor when it came to his emotions.

"Yea I'm fine. Just tired. I guess waking up in the morning really takes its toll on me for the rest of the day. Sheesh." Dan yawned and stretched to make it more convincing, and that seemed to do it. Phil rolled his eyes and said, "You say you're tired, but we both know you're going to be holed up in your room tonight tumblring until 4am. At least try to get some sleep at night instead of waking up at 2pm."

"You know me so well Philly. And no to that last part. You can't change me!" Patting Phil's head, Dan returned to the comfort of his bedroom where he had the whole night alone with his thoughts.

That shower hadn't really helped him much in sorting out what was going through his head, or figuring out why his body would react in certain ways he just couldn't wrap his mind around. He just wanted to be able to talk to Phil normally without all his emotions getting in the way to mess up his already fuddled mind.

He didn't posses romantic feelings towards Phil. He'd dated girls before, he knew that liking someone constituted thinking about them day in day out, wanting to be by their side 24/7, wanting to make that person smile no matter what.

He didn't feel that way about Phil.

The 2 of them lived together, so it was inevitable for them to be around each other so often. Not to mention they were best friends, so they did most things together anyway.

Dan didn't think about wanting to make Phil smile all the time. He just didn't want to see Phil upset.

That was different right?

It's natural not to want to see your best friend upset. So no, he at least knew that he wasn't romantically attracted to Phil. He ruled out having a crush on Phil. The only problem now was, he couldn't figure out what was causing his emotional turmoil.

It was going to be a long night. As Phil had rightly predicted, the first place Dan would go to to stop incessantly thinking too much was Tumblr. Thank god for tumblr. With that, he sank further into his bed and scrolled through the deep dark spiral of the internet that is Tumblr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. Dan's still in the stage where he's trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It's only the beginning in his long journey of self discovery. Hope everyone's well and enjoying the story so far :)


	3. Dreams are made for sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Phil POV :)

As the days zoomed by, Dan had yet to figure out what the hell was going on inside that brain of his, and it didn't help that Phil was near him 24/7, barely even giving him time or space to think.

He still remembered the countless times people who didn't recognise them from Youtube thought that the two of them were a couple. Hell, it was just two days ago that it had happened, where they had gone out to the nearby party shop to buy some materials for the upcoming videos they would make in lieu of Halloween's imminent arrival.

"Let's get that glow in the dark ghost wall sticker! It'll look so cool! We could paste it on the wall right behind us when we're filming." Phil ecstatically flocked towards the stickers, holding them up for Dan to see.

"Remind me again why I have to go through the torture of Halloween where we film videos in the dark?"

"Oh come on. The fans love it when you scream your head off. Honestly Dan, it amazes me how you get frightened by the smallest things." Phil shook his head knowingly whilst putting the ghost stickers into their basket.

"I do not get frigh- OH MY GOD!" Dan's shriek echoed along the aisle, causing a few heads to turn at that. Phil had merely taken a clown head off the nearby shelf and shoved it in front of Dan's face, causing Dan to jump up rather dramatically. 

"I swear, the viewers think you're all butterflies and sunshine, but you're really just a sadist." Dan clutched his heart, partly because of the adrenaline rush, and partly because the sound of Phil's laughter did things to him that it really shouldn't have.

"You must be rubbing off on me then." Phil smirked as they continued their shopping.

As they approached the checkout counter, they were met with a smiling young lady whose eyes seemed to linger longer than necessary on Dan, much to Phil's annoyance. 

"Hi, I'm Carrie." She smiled brightly, but Dan just smiled awkwardly at her, failing to reciprocate her introduction. She wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she was practically ogling Dan like a piece of meat. 

Phil didn't like it one bit.

It was moments like this that made Phil wonder how it was even possible that Dan didn't know just how beautiful he was. Everyone else could see it. Why couldn't Dan? 

He glanced towards Dan, who was merely staring back at him, completely oblivious to the attention he was receiving from Carrie. 

She continued, "I see you're getting ready for Halloween?" She chirped whilst beginning to scan their items, eyes not once leaving Dan.

"No. We just happen to want to decorate our house with a bunch of spooky stuff for completely no reason at all." Phil surprised both Dan and himself at his blatant sarcasm. He wondered where that came from.

Carrie was momentarily stunned into silence. Dan wondered whether the two knew each other and secretly had a feud, his gaze traveling from Carrie and back to Phil, but he saw no recognition in either's eyes. 

He looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he could tell that Phil was really tense, but he had no idea as to why. Dan decided to diffuse the tension, which was rare, since his lack of social graces was what got them into most awkward situations in the first place.

"Yup. This sadist over here is making me suffer through this torturous holiday yet again. I swear, when we get back, I'm not helping with the decorations." Dan jabbed a finger in Phil's chest to emphasise his point. 

Phil visibly eased at Dan's usual banter, and they had a staring contest, before Phil caught Dan's finger in his fist and pulled it towards his nostril.

"EEW PHIL!"

"Stop complaining so much, you're acting like a 12 year old."

Dan stuck out his tongue at Phil exactly like a 12 year old, only for Phil to simply laugh it off.

"That'll be $37.50." Carrie finished ringing up their items and just as Phil was about to pay, she added, "You two make a really cute couple by the way. I didn't mean anything earlier-"

Phil dropped the coins that he had been holding, clinking onto the marble countertop. He was blushing furiously and his fingers kept fumbling over the coins when he tried to pick them up. 

"No we're...we're not... We're not a couple." Dan stuttered out and released some nervous laughter. He rubbed the back of his neck, where a blush was already creeping its way up.

Carrie looked genuinely shocked at that and her mouth made an 'O' shape to match her surprise. She merely gave them a sheepish smile and handed them their items after Phil had finally calmed down enough to make payment. The two of them rushed out the store in a haste, not noticing Carrie glancing at Phil with a knowing look in her eyes.

The awkward encounter left the two refusing to make eye contact with one another. When their elbows accidentally knocked into one another while walking, they would walk further apart from one another, as though the physical contact burned. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened, but it always made things incredibly tense and awkward between the two.

The walk home was silent, the tension so thick you could have sliced it with a knife. Something as small as a lady thinking they were gay really shouldn't have bothered them so much, seeing as how they act like a couple on video anyway, but somehow it still did. 

It was most probably because while the camera was rolling, they knew what they were doing. They were consciously acting as a couple on video for the sake of the phans. It was disconcerting when actual people in the real world mistook them for a couple even though they were just treating each other the way they normally did off camera. 

Were they really closer than what was considered normal? Or was there chemistry between them that no one other than them could miss? It was thoughts like these that plagued both Dan and Phil's minds all the way home. 

"You know that lady at the store was checking you out before she thought we were a couple?" Phil finally broke the palpable silence, much to Dan's relief.

"Yea, well who can resist my undeniable beauty? Just look at me. With my not too much emo slash k pop slash boyband hair, combined with my freckles that turn my dimple into a perpetual frown, top it off with my wardrobe that makes me look like a teenage goth. Who could possibly refuse?" Dan batted his eyelashes to add to his sarcasm laced response.

Phil laughed at Dan's antics, amused by them, but mostly grateful for how easily Dan could diffuse the tension with a little sarcasm. Well, a lot, but that was to be expected coming from Dan.

On the inside though, Dan's mind was whirling. Was that why Phil was acting strange in the shop earlier? Because Clarissa or whatever her name was was flirting with him? Dan's heart leapt at the thought, but he quickly dismissed the idea. Phil couldn't possibly be jealous over some girl who was just being friendly towards him. He had no reason to be jealous anyway. Maybe Phil was just having an off day. 

He couldn't possibly... be attracted to Dan? 

Shaking his head in disbelief at his own overactive imagination, Dan decided to give the matter a rest.

They settled for a night of Halo after ordering Chinese food for dinner, since it'd be a while before they could play normal unscary games, what with their spooktacular week coming up soon.

"Dan, would you stop T-bagging me already?"

"That's what you get for sucking. And for trying to throw a grenade at me." Dan continued to defile the body of his already dead friend despite his pleas.

"It didn't even hit you! I was the one who blew up instead."

"Yea well, you were aiming at me, so technically you were trying to kill me, and for that you must be punished."

"And how do you intend to punish me?"

Once again, Phil had no idea where all the confidence to say that out loud came from, but it certainly had an effect on Dan.

His fingers stilled over the controller as his eyes flickered to Phil's. Phil might have been mistaken, but he could've sworn he saw a flame ignite in Dan's eyes at his words. Phil gulped audibly as he held Dan's intense gaze, but before he knew it, Dan had already focused his attention back on the game to kill the newly respawned Phil. 

"You suck so much at this game Phil, I don't even know why we're playing it. I feel bad for winning all the time." Dan smashed the buttons on his controller, not once acknowledging the moment that had been shared earlier.

"Y...yea, but I'm getting better! You just have to stop killing me the instant I respawn." Phil still hadn't fully regained his composure yet, but seeing as how Dan had already moved on so quickly, he had to too so as not to arouse any suspicion. 

It was clear Dan didn't feel anything towards him. If he did, he wouldn't have gone back to playing the game so casually. Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair, frustrated at how he seemed to be chasing after a dream that was never going to come true. 

Well, that is why they're called dreams. 

They're only made for sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me feedback on how the story's going so far! Is it weird having both of their points of views in one chapter? Or would you prefer it if I denote whose POV it is?


	4. Life isn't meaningless

What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.

The events that had happened several hours prior kept replaying in Dan's head, becoming increasingly perplexing the more he thought about it. 

Did Phil just flirt with him? Actually flirt with him? In a sexual manner?! Those few seconds were the first time that he had ever heard Phil make a sexual reference, a BDSM reference no less, intentionally.

But, did he really? Maybe it was just Dan's imagination screwing with his mind. Maybe Phil had said that sentence thinking it was innocuous, and it was his own sick twisted mind that blew it way out of proportion? Phil was known for his tendency to make sexual innuendos without even realising it. Maybe this was one of those times?

Maybe he really had just imagined the desire clouding Phil's eyes, the gulp Phil made as he his eyes shifted ever so slightly to Dan's lips. Maybe he had imagined the way Phil's cheeks coloured, his lips parting, as though wanting some else's to fill the gap.

Flipping over in his bed, Dan buried his head under his pillow and let out an immensely frustrated groan. He had definitely imagined all of that. How could Phil, his completely straight friend, someone whose personality had a radiance that rivaled that of the sun, be attracted to him, someone whose soul was as dark as a never ending abyss? It just wasn't possible. Phil was a ray of sunshine, and Dan was the darkness that provided the contrast.

Sure, they say opposites attract, but Dan knew that was all a bunch of bullshit. There was no way in hell Phil would go gay for him. Hell, even Dan wouldn't go gay for himself. Phil belonged with someone who pooped rainbows and made him laugh, someone who could bring out the light in his eyes and make him the happiest man alive. 

Phil belonged with someone who wasn't Dan.

Wait, pause.

What? Dan didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with Phil. He was straight. Straight straight straight straight straight. Why was he even thinking about Phil deserving someone better than him? Even if Phil was interested in him, which Dan was sure he wasn't, Dan sure as hell wouldn't want to get together with Phil. Dan grimaced at the thought, and for a moment, he wondered whether he was lying to himself.

No, he wasn't. He wasn't lying to himself. The only reason he was thinking weird thoughts like these was because of Phil's weird ass behaviour earlier. It threw him off. Yup, that was why. No other reason whatsoever.

But even with that conclusion, Dan still couldn't fall asleep. He tried counting sheep, but he made it to about twenty before he decided that he hated sheep and they were the spawn of Satan.

Left to his thoughts, his mind drifted to the inevitable. The meaning of life. Why was he even wasting time thinking about such meaningless things when ultimately he would be subject to entropy, decay, and eventually, death? No one would remember what we've worked hard and slogged all our lives for. Death is the only thing in life that is certain. Why do we burden ourselves with thoughts about things that are so uncertain and so unpredictable? Why bother at all?

Tossing and turning around, he eventually got up and started pacing his room, relenting to his fate of going sleepless, when he suddenly heard a buzzing noise. Reaching for his phone, he squinted at it in his dimly lit room. It was a text from Phil. Why on earth was Phil texting him at 3am in the morning?

"I made you some hot chocolate. It's sitting on the countertop in the kitchen. Just thought you'd like to drink something warm to help fall asleep. I don't trust you to pour your own beverages when you're in the middle of an existential crisis."

Dan's heart leapt upon reading Phil's message. How in the name of Satan had Phil known that Dan was going through an existential crisis? He couldn't for the life of him figure out what had given him away, but he wasn't about to say no to hot chocolate.

As he passed Phil's door, he noticed that the light in his bedroom was off. Phil must have gone to sleep after making that drink for Dan.

On the countertop, next to his mug, was a note. Picking it up, Dan saw a small lion drawing in the bottom right hand corner with a speech bubble, saying, "Life isn't meaningless when you have hot chocolate in it". Dan chuckled, taking his time to enjoy the hot beverage that Phil had brewn for him. His heart felt warm after the first few sips, but it wasn't just the beverage that had warmed him. He smiled, all the while thinking about Phil's note. As he finally decided to attempt sleep once more, he thought to himself, "Life isn't meaningless when you have Phil in it." 

With that thought in mind, he settled into bed and fell into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, but it's fundamental to show Dan's train of thought. If any of you think that Dan's thoughts are all jumbled and structureless, that's because I wanted to show exactly how lost he is with his emotions and how he will think one thing before jumping to another thing. His thoughts are all over the place, and he's still in a state where things just don't make sense to him. He ends up overthinking things, which doesn't help at all. Hope you enjoyed this short chapter, and I hope everyone is well :)))


	5. Ugh

"Feeling better?"

Dan vaguely heard Phil's voice as he stepped into the kitchen. Attempting to wipe the fatigue from his face, he had splashed ice cold water on his face, but all it really did was make him even more annoyed at the world.

Dan made a disgruntled noise that sounded more like a dying animal than anything else.

"Here, I poured you some cereal and milk."

Dan mumbled out a 'thanks' and was about to start eating his breakfast before he decided that staring and contemplating his cereal was a better option.

Phil inwardly sighed, taking it upon himself to grab Dan's spoon, scooping up some cereal and holding it right in front of Dan's mouth.

"Open."

Dan obviously hadn't heard Phil, so Phil repeated, a bit more loudly and firmly this time, "Open your mouth, Dan."

It wasn't unusual for Dan to ignore Phil during his existential crisis, but Phil knew that Dan needed to eat, which is the only reason he did what he did. He put the spoon down, and then yelled in Dan's ear whilst shaking his shoulders violently, "OH MY GOD THERE'S A MOTH IN YOUR CEREAL!"

This seemed to have done the trick, because Dan's eyes refocused, and once he realised what Phil had said, he jumped up and nearly knocked over his cereal in the process. He hadn't really caught everything Phil said, but the word 'moth' alone was enough to get him all jittery.

"What? What... What?"

The look of confusion on Dan's face was too cute, coupled with his bed hair sticking out on ends. Phil loved how Dan looked in the morning before he curled his hobbit hair. After a second of admiring Dan and realising that he hadn't answered Dan's question, Phil shook his head, and replied, "You didn't open your mouth for me."

Phil was really dense when it came to sexual innuendos. Honestly. If they compiled a video of the times Phil unknowingly made a sexual comment, it would last a few hundred hours.

Dan was the exact opposite, construing anything he heard as perverted. So naturally, in the following seconds, Dan became so red, Phil was pretty sure he was morphing into a tomato. His face turned beet red and he stuttered out, "What... Whatdya... You... want me to open my mouth for you? Haha... Ha... What?"

Did Phil mean what he thought he meant? Was he losing his mind, or did Phil just imply that they had been kissing and Dan hadn't given Phil the access to his mouth that Phil wanted? Surely he hadn't zoned out THAT much. Dan turned even redder, if it was even possible at the thought, and he felt like he was about to physically explode.

"I meant open your mouth so I could feed you. You were staring at the cereal so long, I wouldn't be surprised if it's decomposed by now."

Oh. Ohhhhh. Holy shit on a stick. Why'd he have to go and make everything so awkward? He inwardly face palmed himself. Damn it Daniel. Was it that hard to act like a normal human being?

"Right. Umm. Right. Yea... Uhh, I can feed myself, thanks mate." Dan started gobbling up his cereal so fast, and just when he thought he'd suffered enough embarrassment for one day, he actually started choking.

"Jesus Christ! Dan!" Phil rushed over to pat Dan's back to help him through his coughing fit and to make sure his best friend didn't die eating cereal.

Once Dan had stopped coughing, he didn't know what to do. That had been a terrible start to the day, and he literally felt like he was going to implode from all the shame. Luckily for him, Phil commented no further, simply proceeding to leave the kitchen, telling him to take a shower since PJ would be coming over to film a video. Dan couldn't be more grateful that Phil didn't mention Dan's earlier stupidity, and he knew he could trust his friend not to mention it to PJ later on as well. Seriously? Nearly dying from cereal? That was a new low, even for Dan.

Grabbing his bowl, he chucked it in the sink before trudging towards the bathroom. Hopefully the events from earlier would be washed away from his memory as well.

One could hope, right?

\----------------------------------

Wrong.

His shower was beyond awful. The water heater broke down, leaving him to freeze his balls off, plus he got shampoo in his eye which made him feel like his eye was in the fires of Mount Doom. He stepped out the shower not feeling invigorated one bit, and he just knew that the day was going to be a disaster.

By the time he had gotten dressed, PJ had already arrived and was in Phil's room chatting away happily. When he noticed Dan, he immediately asked, "Existential crisis got you down, mate? You look awful."

"Thanks." Dan drawled.

"Umm, Dan, your shirt's on backwards."

"Fucking hell." Looking down at his shirt, Dan gave an annoyed grunt and ripped the shirt off his back, grumpily fumbling to turn it around before putting it back on.

"Are you sure you're ok? It's alright if you're not in the mood to help us film, we can do it ourselves. You look like you'd rather be alone." PJ looked unsure at Dan's current form.

"I'm fine. I'll help film." Dan stalked off to the already setup camera without another glance at them.

PJ opened his mouth to say something, but Dan interrupted with, "I swear to god if you ask me one more time whether I'm fine, I'll sock you in the jaw."

Dan might not have been athletic, but PJ wasn't about to take his chances, especially with Dan in the midst of his existential crisis. He valued his face after all.

"You can start filming now Dan." Phil said gently to Dan, treating him like a small animal that he didn't want to scare away.

Dan visibly relaxed upon hearing Phil's soothing voice, and hid behind the camera while the video ensued.

\----------------------------------

Dan left to his own devices after the filming was over, and seeing as his life was so eventful and vibrant, he settled for his usual activity of lying face down on his bed contemplating the meaning of life. He would have done it on the carpet, but they hadn't vacuumed in ages, and he wasn't about to let his face be home to about a million parasites, although it wouldn't really matter anyway. Nothing really mattered. Life is just a game everyone is forced into without knowing the rules, and Dan certainly had not asked to play.

He was in the middle of his mental soliloquy on the meaning of life, chapter four: life sucks and then you die, when Phil came bursting into his bedroom completely unannounced.

"Oh my god Dan. Have you seen the tweets? They've released a new Five Nights At Freddy's!"

Realising that Dan remained motionless at this announcement, Phil proceeded to jump up and down on Dan's bed, waving his mismatched socks in Dan's face.

"Let's watch the trailer! I haven't watched it since it was released." Phil rolled onto his stomach, kicking his feet up in the air and got comfy. "Dan, get up! This isn't the time to be contemplating the meaning of life!"

"There is no meaning in life." Dan mumbled into his pillow, still face down on his bed.

Phil couldn't contain his excitement any longer, not even for Dan's existential crisis, and started to play the trailer. Dan vaguely heard the video playing in the background, when all of a sudden a palpable silence ensued.

"Dan... Don't let me get all freaked out alone." Phil's quiet whisper sent alarm bells ringing in Dan's head. Phil was scared. That was enough to get Dan to finally lift his heavy head off the pillow and he rested his head against Phil's arm.

"Please don't tell me we're going to play that god forsaken game. I swear, Halloween's almost never worth it."

"Except for Delia Smith Halloween pastries." Phil unknowingly leaned into Dan's touch as was second nature to him.

"Except for Delia Smith Halloween pastries." Dan concurred, a soft smile playing on his lips as him and Phil watched the trailer together.


	6. You're the Makoto to my Haru

"I can't believe they made another FNAF. Come on, as if the first 3 weren't horrifying enough. I bet the creators just thought, oh, you know what? Let's make more people have heart attacks, that'll be fun!" Dan complained while the installer for FNAF 4 was running.

"I don't know a thing about this game, but I heard that it's all part of a linked story that's really complicated. I was reading some conspiracy theories and they're all so terrifying." A shiver ran through Phil, and he couldn't be more glad that Dan was there beside him.

"I don't even want to begin to try and understand the story behind the games. It's a bloody pandora box of horrific murderous robotic animals." Dan drummed his fingers on the tabletop, eyes trained on the installer bar slowly inching towards the right.

"Do you want to watch some Free episodes while waiting? This is taking forever to download."

Dan's eyes lit up at the suggestion, agreeing immediately. He picked up his Haru pillow, cuddling it as they headed towards the lounge. Phil trotted off into the kitchen, returning with hot chocolate and some snacks to munch on. He loaded the video and the two snuggled in front of the TV.

Dan always let loose when watching anime, and Phil smiled at the sight of Dan singing along to the Free opening song in what was supposed to be Japanese but was basically jibberish. Phil could've sworn he heard a few French words in the mix at one point.

"That's basically the same freaking pair of swimming trunks, Haru! GOD." Dan exclaimed exasperatedly while shaking with laughter, barely holding on to the box of popcorn perched precariously on his lap. Haru was so ridiculous with his obsession with all things swimming related, but that was the whole appeal of the anime. Well, apart from hot boys in speedos anyway.

In some ways, Haru and Makoto reminded Dan of Phil and himself. In fact, the resemblance was uncanny. Not appearance wise, although both Haru and Dan shared the brooding emo-boy slash kpop hairstyle.

The two were close friends, the sort who were always together to the point where it was just weird seeing one without the other. The way Makoto cared so much for Haru's well-being, the way Makoto knew what Haru was thinking or feeling without Haru even saying a single word just reminded Dan so much of how Phil was the same towards him. Maybe that was another reason Dan liked the anime so much. Phil could always tell when something was bothering Dan, and he never failed to help him through his existential crises. He would never forget the times Phil had been there for him; even if Phil was literally just sitting next to Dan without saying anything, Dan appreciated it because Phil knew as well as Dan that his presence alone was comfort enough to Dan. They were just so comfortable with each other that words weren't always necessary.

Phil was as selfless as Makoto on the friend-front, and seeing the friendship between Makoto and Haru just made Dan realise how glad he was to have Phil in his life. Phil was the Makoto to his Haru, and he couldn't have been more grateful.

Perhaps it was this revelation that made Dan say something that he would perhaps regret later on.

"Hey, do you want to go swimming?"

"What, now?" Phil's eyes widened in surprise at Dan's suggestion.

"Obviously not now. What, you thought I was suggesting we sneak into a closed pool at nearly midnight? We might as well go skinny dipping while we're at it."

"Haha. So you want to go swimming tomorrow then? That's actually not a bad idea. It's about time we went out in the real world and got some actual exercise." Phil looked contemplative, actually considering the idea.

"Who knows, we may end up getting abs like Haru's if we're successful at this 'exercise' regime that we've been putting off for, let's see," Dan paused to look at the invisible watch on his wrist. "Five years."

Phil giggled, and they cemented their plan of going swimming before lunch the next day. It was around half past midnight before they decided to check on the status of the FNAF installer. Lo and behold, the game was installed and ready to play on Dan's laptop.

"God. I can't believe we're about to put ourselves through this again." Dan sighed as he plopped himself onto the chair.

"But this time, try not to fall." Phil slid into the chair next to him and prepared to launch the game.

Dan physically cringed at that, and even Phil's laughter didn't help. He just relived the ten seconds of shame when he'd fallen off his chair in the play-through of the first game. On camera. Cue the cringe attack.

"We are no longer friends." Dan said whilst preparing the camera for filming. Phil just laughed at that, and so began their play through of the game for the sadists that were their phans.

\----------------------------------

They had failed so miserably at the game, and by fail, it didn't just mean they had failed to complete all five nights. They hadn't even made it past the first night, and their pathetic attempt had actually prompted Dan to want to try playing it again, hopefully to restore whatever dignity he still had.

Ha, who was he kidding, he didn't have any dignity.

But still, he couldn't just let the video end with them making a complete mockery of themselves on a supposed gaming channel. Who sucks that bad on a freaking gaming channel?! Dan was exasperated by this point, but Phil was just going with the flow. He was just glad Dan wasn't wallowing in his existential crisis anymore, which no doubt would return soon, but for now, Phil was just glad to have helped take Dan's mind off that depressing subject, if only for a moment.

"Well now I can't just go to sleep. I've got to redeem myself. You up for some Mario Kart?" Dan asked Phil, looking more determined than ever.

How could Phil possibly say no to Dan when he looked like that?

"Sure, but don't think you're going to win. I've been practising, and I think I'm actually getting better." Phil looked confident, and even though Dan knew he was going to obliterate Phil anyway, he looked forward to the challenge.

\----------------------------------

After a few rounds, it was clear that any practice Phil had been doing was not paying off. Dan had won six games in a row, and Dan was in fact, on fire at that point.

"HA! Even with your red shells and your rockets, I remain undefeated! What say you, Phil?" Dan turned towards Phil, only to find that Phil was already half-asleep. His eyelids were drooping and his controller was dangerously close to falling from his hands. Dan glanced at the clock on the wall, and holy crap, it was nearly six. No wonder Phil was nodding off. Dan turned off the console, and as he was prying the controller from Phil's hands, Phil's body started leaning towards Dan, and to prevent his friend from falling onto the floor and hitting his head, Dan caught Phil and let Phil lean his head on his shoulder.

About fifteen minutes later, Dan's shoulders started to feel stiff and he was really uncomfortable in that position. He grabbed a pillow, wanting to somehow manoeuvre Phil's head onto that instead of his shoulder. Once he realised that was nearly impossible to do without waking Phil up, he decided that it would be best if he just woke Phil up so he could get some proper sleep in his own bed.

Turning his head towards Phil, Dan was about to shake Phil to wake him from his slumber when he caught himself staring at his friend's sleeping form. Phil's chest rose evenly with every breath, and he looked so peaceful. Dan hated not being able to see his friend's beautiful multi-colourd eyes, but at the same time, the sight of his eyelashes fluttered closed against his pale skin, and the sound of his gentle, even breathing, made Phil look just as beautiful.

While admiring his friend's features, Dan's eyes inadvertently flickered to Phil's lips. God, they were near. If Dan leaned in just a smidge, their lips would connect, and for a moment, the thought was so tempting that Dan was considering doing just that. He felt himself leaning forward, but once he realised what was happening, he stopped himself. He couldn't kiss his best friend. He wouldn't. Even if Phil didn't wake up, it wouldn't feel right stealing a kiss.

Blinking rapidly, Dan realised what he had almost just done, and he pinched his own cheek, hoping to strike some common sense into that brain of his. He wasn't just thinking of kissing his best friend. He wasn't. Phil just had really feminine features, that's all. Maybe if Phil were a girl, Dan would be attracted to him. But, no. Phil was a guy, and Dan was not just fantasising what his lips would feel like against his. Nope, noppity nope nope nup.

Dan heaved a sigh, and closed his eyes, leaning his head on the sofa behind them, hoping sleep would come and rid him of the thoughts jumbled in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry for the late update! Kind of hit a writer's block so early on in the fic. I know where I want this fic to go, and I have a clear vision of what's going to happen in the fic (I apologise in advance for any angst), but it's getting to those points that sometimes has me stymied. Hope you enjoyed this chapter which I wrote at 5am, but I just couldn't put it off any longer after listening to some Phan songs. There were just so many emotions in me that I had to write or I'd just explode.


	7. A series of unfortunate events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra chapter to make up for updating so late! Hope you enjoy this chapter leading up to the swimming day all of us are looking forward to :)

Phil was in the kitchen preparing breakfast, pouring milk into two bowls of cereal: one for himself, and one for Dan. Dan smiled at the sight as he took it all in. They really were incredibly domestic. Here Phil was making him breakfast, and he had poured some coffee for Dan as well.

"Hey, you're awake. About time. I made you breakfast and some coffee." Phil smiled up at Dan, trotting over to the kitchen sink to wash the dishes from the previous night.

Dan stood leant against the doorframe as he watched Phil work. He watched Phil's deft fingers handle the plates, which on second thought, was a scary sight because Phil's clumsiness could take over any second. Dan laughed to himself, and his eyes lowered to the rest of Phil's body. Somehow, he never tired of seeing Phil's butt. They showed their butts on camera on almost a daily basis, but Phil's butt was truly a sight to behold. Phil was just wearing boxers, although it was enough to get Dan all riled up inside.

"What are you laughing at?" Phil asked without turning his head, as he continued washing the dishes.

Without a second thought, Dan walked towards Phil and wrapped his arms around Phil's waist. Phil dropped the plate he was holding at that sudden contact, and jumped up in surprise. He turned his head to look over his shoulder, muttering, "Dan what are y-" before he felt Dan's lips covering his.

The kiss was slow but needy, and Dan wrapped his hands in Phil's hair as Phil turned his body to face Dan for better access. Phil's lips felt moist, unlike Dan's own chapped ones, opposite just like their personalities, but nothing had ever felt more right.

Dan pulled away after a few long seconds and stared into Phil's eyes. God they were beautiful. He saw the way Phil's cheeks were tinted red, the way his lips were slightly parted from just now's activities, and the way his pupils were dilated. Phil never looked more alive, and Dan realised this was a sight he wanted to see everyday. He wanted to be the one who put that gentle smile of contentment on Phil's face. Without second thinking, Dan reached his hand up to cup Phil's cheek, pulling him down for a second kiss-

"Dan."

"Yes, Phil?"

"Dan, come on, get up."

"Hh? Just one more kiss."

"What? Come on, Dan. Get off the floor."

Dan felt a nudge against his ribcage, and he awoke with a start. Phil's face had blurred away, replaced by a view of the world horizontally. He realised that he was just lying on the floor, and attempted to sit up, feeling his muscles ache and his joints protest at the sudden movement. He had fallen asleep on the floor, and the memories from the previous night came flooding back in. That, together with the memories of his dream. His face reddened as he noticed Phil's face dangerously close next to his, with a look of exasperation on his face, causing Dan to jerk his face back.

"About time. Come on, breakfast is in the kitchen. Or lunch. You really need to get your sleep schedule in check." Phil said with a hint of confusion at Dan's reaction to him upon waking up as he walked off towards the kitchen.

Dan stretched his limbs, noticing a pillow on the floor where his head had been earlier. Phil had most probably put it there for him after waking up, as per his usual manner of thoughtfulness. Getting up, he followed Phil into the kitchen, dragging himself with aching joints all over. God, that was one of the worst night's sleep he had ever gotten. Not to mention the mildly disturbing dream that had occurred. He decided not to think about what it meant, because it would just give him a headache, and that was definitely something he didn't need now.

As he turned into the kitchen, he saw Phil standing over the sink washing some dishes, while there were bowls of cereal and cups of coffee on the kitchen island.

"I made you breakfast and some coffee."

Dan cringed at that, recognising this familiar scene. His face reddened upon remembering what dream Dan had done next, and he nearly choked on his own saliva.

"Are you ok?" Phil asked as he glanced over his shoulder upon hearing no response from Dan.

"Yea, yea, I'm fine, just really sore from last night." Dan moved quickly towards the chair to stop this conversation, until he realised what he had said and turned even redder.

"Well, next time we shouldn't play video games until so late again." Phil rubbed his neck thinking about the incredibly awkward sleeping position he must have been in last night. "We still need to edit the FNAF video, so once you finish up your breakfast, we'll head over to the pool then we'll edit the video later on tonight." Phil leant against the kitchen counter as he thought out the day's schedule.

"Yea ok. Sure." Once Dan had fully processed what Phil said, he did a double take. "Wait. What? We're going to the pool?"

"Yea, didn't we plan to go swimming today? It'd be nice to go swimming actually, maybe the cool water will help relieve our sore muscles. How did we even fall asleep in that position?" Dan remained speechless, and as Phil left the kitchen, he added, "Don't eat too much by the way. We'll get a proper meal after swimming. I don't want to see you vomit in the pool or something. I'll meet you by the door at say, half past noon? I'm just going to pack my things."

With that, Phil left the kitchen, missing what would have been a comical sight indeed. Dan's face was beet red as thoughts about how the day could go really wrong ran through his head. His hair was still sticking up on ends, and he was holding a spoonful of cereal mid-air with a death grip, his knuckles turning white.

Why, oh why in the ever-loving name of God did he suggest them going swimming? Dan plus Phil plus a day at the pool was just a recipe for disaster.

What if they got recognised by some fans? They'd take pictures of him half-naked and see his fats unceremoniously jiggling around. What if he accidentally pulled the string of someone's bikini top off again? He wasn't ready for a lawsuit. What if he slipped on the deck of the pool and fell and shattered his teeth or something? What if he got a cramp in the pool because of the sudden change in the use of his muscles, from dormant inactivity to actual exertion in a physical activity? He could already feel his muscles begging him not to use them for fear of them cramping up and inevitably causing his death in the pool. What if he really did die in the pool? What if he drowned and no one was there to save him? Or worse, what if Phil was there to save him and he had to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to rescue him? What if someone took a picture of that? The phandom would erupt, and he'd never live that down.

There were too many things that could go wrong, and Dan's head was about to explode with all the possibilities. And now he was having a fucking panic attack. Great. Just, great. Add that to the list of things that were going wrong that day.

_Calm yourself down, Daniel James Howell. Jesus Christ. Deep breaths. That's right. In, and out. In, and out. In, and in, and no, it's supposed to be out, wait, what's going on. Should I breathe in or out now? Oh my god I can't remember. I can't remember how to breathe and I'm going to die in our kitchen surrounded by cereal. Oh god. Oh my god._

Dan hastily reached for a paper bag near him, remembering that it supposedly helped people breathe better. He didn't know why, but all he knew was that Chandler had given Janice a paper bag to breathe in when she was freaking out over him finding out about her and her ex-husband. Of fucking course Dan would be the only person to think about Friends in a moment like this.

That's right, Dan. Just breathe in and out like Janice did. Watch the paper bag go in and out. Good.

Once Dan's breathing had somewhat evened out, and he wasn't about to pass out from not knowing how to breathe out of all things, he flung the paper bag aside, burying his face in his hands from the stupidity of it all.

Just fifteen minutes in and he had almost died from lack of oxygen in an oxygen-filled room. What a great start to the day.

\----------------------------------

"Dan, it's 12.40 already. What are you-"

Phil had popped his head into Dan's room to see what was taking his friend so long, only to find Dan standing in front of a mirror in a pair of speedos that were way too small for him.

It's not like the two hadn't seen each other naked before. They were guys after all.

It was just weird seeing so much of Dan, especially the parts of him that were practically spilling out-- Ok, that took a weird turn. Phil turned his head to the side and felt his face warming.

Dan jumped up in surprise at Phil's intrusion, and hastily clambered for a nearby towel.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know- I mean, I didn't see- I mean-" Phil stuttered out some form of an apology, and hastily left the room, squeaking out a "I'll be in the lounge!"

It really shouldn't have surprised Dan that something like that would happen, considering what had happened in the kitchen earlier. Still, he flushed with embarrassment. He couldn't believe that Phil had just caught him wearing what was practically a piece of cloth that didn't leave much to the imagination.

He couldn't for the life of him find his swimming trunks, so he thought that maybe, just maybe, it'd be alright if he wore the pair of speedos that had been abandoned for a few years in his closet. It wasn't until he put it on that he remembered exactly why it had been abandoned.

It was incredibly tight, and there really wasn't much room to breathe, if you know what he meant. He could barely walk without it chaffing him or exposing too much of him for anyone with eyes to see. Again, he wasn't ready for a lawsuit. He was just about to take it off and burn it in the infernos of hell when Phil had walked in. It was like God was playing a trick on him.

Dan scurried to find something else to wear that wouldn't have him charged with public nudity, but he just couldn't find his god damn trunks, and he wasn't about to wear pants that weren't meant for swimming. He'd done that before, and let's just say there's a nine year old girl somewhere who's still scarred from what she saw when he emerged from the water pant-less.

Relenting to his god awful fate, he stepped into the lounge, clearing his throat, which caused Phil to literally jump up like a frightened kitten.

"Umm, I can't find my swimming trunks. D'you think you could, umm, lend me a pair or something?" Dan scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, the events prior still fresh in both their minds.

"Of course!" Phil leapt up from his spot on the sofa with way too much enthusiasm, disappearing into his bedroom at lightning speed.

He returned soon, holding up a pair of his spare trunks for Dan.

"Here it is!" He exclaimed, exuding nervous energy, and Dan inwardly face palmed at the awkwardness that he had once again caused.

"Thanks. I'll just finish packing." Dan slipped back into his room, hastily throwing a change of clothes and whatever else he would need into a bag, slinging it over his shoulder. He cleared his throat when he entered the lounge, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"We should probably umm, get going and stuff." Dan nodded his head in the direction of the door and Phil agreed, albeit a bit too vehemently.

The two made their way out of the house in silence. Neither of them had truly recovered from the incident earlier, and Dan heaved a sigh, mentally preparing himself for the series of unfortunate events he just knew was going to happen.


	8. Surprise surprise

The journey there was pretty silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Dan knew there was an unspoken agreement between the two to never bring up what had happened earlier, so he just steered his thoughts clear of it to avoid cringing uncontrollably.

Dan rested his chin on his palm, leaning against the car window as he looked out of it. Buildings passed him by in a flurry of shapes and colours that all blurred together, making Dan see nothing but grey. It reflected what he sometimes felt, living in a city that bustled with activity, but at the same time, desolate with no heart.

Everyone was probably out there doing something productive and meaningful, contributing to the society, and here he was, a potato sack frolicking around, procrastinating and generally wasting time.

He was like those menaces of society that his parents had warned him about. People who take and take, but never give back, which was precisely what he was doing. He wasn't doing anything truly useful.

Sure, he put countless effort into his videos to make people on the internet laugh at his failures, but how did that have any practicality?

How was that by any measure comparable with the actual real life contributions other people out there were doing?

There were people coming up with cures for diseases, developing new advanced technology for the country's progress, and there he was, basically doing nothing but fool around on the internet.

Sometimes he wondered whether it was a wise choice quitting law school. Sure, he would have been an unhappy lawyer, but hey, the money was decent, and he would actually be helping people out there who needed it.

He would be giving something tangible back to society.

It wouldn't matter really, if he were bored at his job. Most people hated their jobs anyway, but that didn't stop them from doing it, so why had it stopped him?

So many people had shown their support for him when he dropped out of law school when he felt that it wasn't the right path for him, but he knew that deep down, they were judging him. He knew that they were just sympathising with his plight, feigning understanding as they nodded their heads and patted his back.

No one really understood what he felt. They were all most probably just thinking that it was a wrong decision, but hey, let's just support him so he doesn't feel worse about himself.

It was funny how he could feel so alone despite being surrounded by so many people.

His thoughts were interrupted by Phil announcing their arrival. Dan exited the car in a significantly lower mood, but didn't have time to mope when he soon realised that they were somewhere he didn't recognise.

"Phil, what are we doing here? This isn't the pool."

"It isn't the pool, but it _has_ a pool." Phil looked excited, but it was met with nothing but confusion from Dan.

"It's a clubhouse!" Phil eventually exclaimed with much fervour.

"Is this some kind of joke? Because I'm wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt, it'd be funny because then it'd be like Mickey Mouse's clubhouse or something?" Dan still didn't understand just what was going on and why exactly they were there, but Phil just ignored that and went on to explain.

"I kinda registered us for membership here."

Before Dan could bark out a "WHAT", Phil quickly continued, "I thought it was high time we actually got serious about exercising. Our gym membership was a complete disaster, so I thought maybe if we had a membership that was more expensive, we'd feel more compelled to actually make use of it."

Seeing Dan's unconvinced expression, Phil continued, "It has so many facilities! It has a swimming pool, a spa, a bowling alley, and we can even play billiards while drinking beer! According to this brochure anyway." Phil was reading from a crumpled piece of paper, supposedly the brochure to the place. He shoved it into Dan's hands, who glanced down at it to see a picture of, lo and behold, two men happily playing billiards with beer at the side.

"Are you really the kind of guy who'd want to shoot some pool while drinking some beer, Phil?" Dan sighed exasperatedly at Phil's naivety.

"Well... We could still do all the other things! Come on Dan, it seems so promising. Let's at least give it a try?" Phil pleaded, and damn it, Dan could never say no to those gorgeous eyes blinking up at him like that.

"Ugh. You didn't exactly give me a choice now, did you?" Dan resigned to his fate, causing Phil to break out in a smile.

"How much is the membership anyway?" Dan asked offhandedly while stuffing the brochure into his bag, heading towards the entrance.

"It's not that expensive... We just have to cut back on our expenses a tad, maybe stop wasting money on things we don't need..."

" _Phil_ , how much is it." Dan stopped in his tracks, turning to face Phil as he punctuated each word, increasingly suspicious of how much exactly this would cost them.

Once Phil had squeaked out the answer, he tried to defend himself by saying, "But if we just cut back on buying things we don't really need-"

"You mean like food? Electricity? Our rent?!"

Dan threw his hands up in the air, pacing around the parking lot, just thinking about how they were possibly going to survive with this membership. Just because they earned a decent amount from their youtube videos, tabinof and tatinof didn't mean they needed to spend such an exorbitant amount on something that Dan didn't even want. On a monthly basis no less.

"Phil, this is way too much to be spending on a membership! We have to revoke our membership now."

Phil looked incredibly guilty about going ahead with registering the both of them without even running it by Dan, considering it was going to be a dent in their monthly income. He just wanted them to have a place to relax.

He knew Dan was prone to dark thoughts revolving around his self-worth, so Phil thought that it'd be a nice place for the two of them to hang out to take Dan's mind off such thoughts. He'd seen the look on Dan's face earlier in the car, and he recognised instantly that Dan was having one of those days.

"I just wanted us to have a mini-sanctuary that we could go to to relax. The gym was really just a cover-up..." Phil explained his true intentions softly, hoping it would make Dan reconsider.

"A sanctuary? Come on, Phil. Even a game arcade would be more of a sanctuary than this place, which with that membership price, is probably frequented mostly by posh, pretentious pricks."

Dan turned around and stalked off into the main lobby of the club, followed by a disappointed Phil.

Upon reaching the counter and seeing no one there, Dan rang the bell multiple times. Soon, a lady appeared with a warm smile, and asked politely, "Hello! May I help you two with anything?"

"Yes, we'd like to revoke our membership." Dan replied in an annoyed tone.

"Oh, that's a real shame. Was there anything unsatisfactory to you here?" She inquired as the smile dropped from her face.

"We've just changed our minds. Now could you please just carry out the procedure to cancel our membership?" Dan answered through grit teeth, to which the lady quickly answered, "Of course, that's no problem at all. May I please have your names?"

"Dan Howell and Phil Lester."

The lady typed away at her desktop, and Dan tapped his finger impatiently against the counter while waiting.

"I'm sorry Mr Howell and Mr Lester, but it shows here that you've only had membership here for a few days. If you really wish to revoke your membership, that would cost you an additional £100 for early cancellation, together with the actual membership cancellation fee of £25." She stated with a frown on her face.

Dan's frustration only grew at her response, and he couldn't remember a time he had felt so angry at Phil.

"Besides, Mr Lester has already booked a few slots in some of our facilities for today. It would be an awful waste to not make use of them."

"It doesn't matter if he's booked the slots-"

"Oh, but it does. Booking certain slots at our club requires at least one week's notice depending on the activities' popularity, and seeing as Mr Lester only booked these slots yesterday, he had to pay an additional £20. For each of you."

Dan was dumbfounded at this point. Every single thing in this club cost a fortune. Who came up with these stupid regulations anyway? Dan turned back to look at Phil, who had diverted his attention to the apparently interesting speck of dust on the floor.

Dan knew that Phil was already feeling bad about all of this, but that didn't mean that he'd forgiven him as of yet. He did feel guilty knowing that Phil had spent an extra £40 just to book a slot for the swimming pool though.

Wait. Who needs to book slots for a day at the swimming pool? That would be ridiculous, even for this establishment.

Dan turned his attention back to the lady at the counter and asked, "What slots exactly has Phil booked?"

"You have a lunch reservation for two at our restaurant, a two-hour spa session, as well as a reservation for a billiard table at 4pm." The lady read from her screen, looking up after to gauge Dan's response at that.

Dan shook his head at that last part, but was mostly shocked into silence at the number of things Phil had planned for them today. He gave a sigh of pure exasperation, but he wasn't about to waste Phil's £40 plus all those extra costs it would take to cancel their membership.

Pulling out the brochure from his bag, he saw all the little markings Phil had made. The little 'Dan can can relax here!' underneath the picture of an open bar, and 'Swimming!!!' annotated with the multiple exclamation marks in the margins of the brochure, coupled with some circles Phil had drawn around selected activities, made Dan realise the lengths Phil had gone to just for him. Dan was even willing to bet that Phil would gladly pay for Dan's half of the membership if he'd allowed it.

Dan still wasn't happy about the whole situation, and he didn't want the membership at all, but more than that, he didn't want Phil to be upset. He was trying to help Dan at the root of it after all, albeit he could have gone for a less expensive alternative.

Running a hand through his hair in frustration, Dan looked back at Phil, who looked so upset, it actually made him feel guilty. God, it scared him how easily Phil could sway his heart just by his facial expressions alone.

"Run me through the perks of membership here please. I'm going to exploit every single one of them."

Phil whipped his head up in surprise at the change in Dan's line of questioning, but at the same time, he gave a small smile as he stared at Dan leaning over the counter. He knew the only reason Dan had agreed to it in the end was because he knew Phil had for done this with the good intention of helping Dan. He was glad he had a friend who appreciated his efforts.

Dan really was worth the effort after all.

"Absolutely sir." The receptionist smiled brightly, more than happy to oblige.

\-----------------------

"Now I know why the membership is so expensive. This place is even more well-furbished than the Queen's palace." Dan commented in awe as they made their way to the pool, with a map of the place. Yes, they actually needed a map to get around.

"I have to be honest, I'm kinda enjoying the free drinks too." Dan plucked a drink off the tray a waiter standing by the side had offered them, relishing in the free alcohol.

Phil laughed at Dan's comments, glad there was a distinct change in Dan's demeanor. He hated it when him and Dan got into an argument, and so did Dan actually.

Dan didn't like getting mad at Phil. It rarely escalated to such a point. Most of the time, the most that would happen was that Dan would get irritated at Phil for stealing his cereal or they would get into a small argument over what show they would watch. If he got mad at Phil, it would be over something really big, which did happen, but rarely. This wasn't one of those times, so Dan couldn't actually stay mad at Phil for long, considering Phil had done it with Dan's interests at heart.

Dan glanced over at Phil, who quickly looked away once he realised he had been caught staring. Again, Dan felt a pang in his heart. Hell, Phil was the one who signed them up for this membership without asking Dan.

Phil should be the one feeling guilty, so why was Dan?

Dan sighed, "I'm still not happy you did this without discussing it with me first, but I shouldn't have gotten that angry. This place isn't too shabby itself, so I guess I could give it a shot first. Maybe then if I feel that I don't like it here, we'll revoke our membership. Does that sound alright?"

Phil smiled at Dan's somewhat-of-an-apology, knowing that Dan really did feel bad about lashing out. Dan was having a bad day after all, what with the embarrassing event in the bedroom earlier, coupled with his moment of brooding in the car. Dan could always rationally think through any predicaments, including this one, and he was glad Dan had already come up with a reasonable solution.

Phil nodded his agreement at Dan's suggestion, and the two reached the swimming pool (Dan may have taken a few free drinks too many to exploit their membership).

"Holy shit. This pool is even more magnificent than Samezuka's pool."

"Rin would be so jealous." Phil concurred as the two of them entered the said pool area.

The pool was a glistening blue, and the sound of gentle strokes against the waters accompanied by some mundane chit-chat was all there was to be heard.

The pool was the same length as competitive pools, but there was an actual bar in the pool, serving drinks (not that Dan was complaining). It was all so sim-like. This coupled with the general ambience gave the place a completely different atmosphere. Everything was calm, and Dan was incredibly tempted to break that.

He wanted to just push Phil into the pool, clothes and all, as a punishment of sorts. He barely refrained from doing so, thinking that it wouldn't be met well, not just by Phil, but by the rest of the people in the pool. This did seem like a place for the rich and obnoxious, so his childish behaviour wouldn't fit in with the tone of the place.

The two headed towards the changing room, which was surprisingly large. It was split into three main rooms: one changing room with lockers to store their belongings, and this room subsequently led to two different shower areas: one for before the swim to rinse oneself before entering the pool, and one for after the swim. Only this place would be rich enough to spend money building two separate shower areas.

Dan rummaged through his bag for Phil's swimming trunks. Just before he slipped them on, he stopped abruptly. He really hadn't thought this through. Sure, he'd shared clothes with Phil before: shirts, sweaters, even pants, which is why he thought this would be an ok thing to do. Yea, stupid him forgot that swimming trunks involved direct contact between the genitalia and the clothing, and let's just say the genitalia would really be pressed up against the material.

His penis was about to be in contact with trunks that Phil's penis was once in contact with. Wow. Just. Wow.

He made sexual jokes every now and then, most involving Phil (mostly because of Phil's reactions to them), but whenever he did, he tried not to picture it and just said whatever sick joke it was. It was easier talking about something if you weren't really imagining it happening.

This was different though. The mental image that he had conjured made him get all flustered, and he leapt out of the cubicle and into the pre-swim shower. This was so things wouldn't get any harder for him. Literally.

He wasn't paying attention, and set the water to the coldest setting, where the cold water hit him so hard it was almost cruel. He needed a cold splash, but this was going to give him damn hypothermia. Well, at least he wouldn't have to deal with a growing problem down there. The only problem now was that it might have shrunk. Great.

\------------------------

They left their belongings in a shared locker that was big enough to hold both their bags and maybe even thirty more, proceeding out of the changing room thereafter.

Phil had asked Dan why he was already wet, to which Dan had misconstrued yet once again. Seriously. Why did Phil say so many sentences with double meanings?

Dan went on a speech about how he'd read somewhere that it was good to rinse oneself before entering a communal pool. Thank god for his waffling skills, as Phil didn't question any further, despite the fact that Dan had gone quite the distance to explain something that didn't even need much explaining.

\----------------------------

"Look out for sharks!" That was the only thing Dan heard before he was submerged in water, creating a large splash as he fell into the pool.

That cheeky little shit. He'd pushed Dan into the pool!

All thoughts about needing to be mature in a public environment went out the window when Dan emerged to find a guffawing Phil. Oh he was going to get his revenge.

Luckily for him, Phil was still caught up in the spectacle he had witnessed earlier, and he didn't have the sense to evacuate the danger zone, as Dan would have called it. Dan's arm reached out and grabbed Phil's ankle, earning a yelp from him as Dan pulled Phil towards the water together with him.

Phil landed unceremoniously on his stomach, where a large splat was heard. Dan laughed at how easy it was to take revenge on Phil, ignoring the fact that he might have accidentally flattened his friend in the process.

A mini-wrestle ensued in the water as the two struggled to pull the other down. They were full on splashing water in each other's faces, before Dan vaguely heard a muffled sound of a woman clearing her throat.

Momentarily pausing their water fight, Dan looked up to see that there was a woman standing at the deck next to them with her arms folded across her chest.

She sneered at them in disgust as they finally settled down, commenting, "Excuse me. This is a **private** pool." She narrowed her eyes while she said that, placing emphasis on the word 'private'. "Maybe you two hooligans ought to be escorted from the place because you clearly don't understand what it takes to act decently. You'd better leave the pool before I call security to tell them there are two maniacs on the loose who've somehow managed to sneak into the pool and have disrupted the day of many club members like myself."

The two of them were shocked into silence at her insults and outright accusation directed at them. Phil looked like he was just about to shit himself at any moment. He never was good at dealing with confrontation. A string of profanities were running through Dan's mind, but he settled for seething with rage quietly instead.

Just as they were about to offer her nothing more than a scoff then turn their backs, they heard someone quip,  
"Firstly, they are acting decently. Would you rather they be flinging their underwear at your face whilst running around buck naked?"

Dan smirked at the horrified look that had crossed the old hag's face.He then turned his attention, as did Phil, to the source of that retort.

A lady clad in a red swimming costume was walking towards them, much to the old hag's disgust. She had wavy medium length black hair that paired with her olive skin. Her eyes were a mud brown, very much like Dan's, and her muscles were toned, very much unlike Dan's. She was slender yet fit, a look that matched her well. She had fixed a smoldering stare that pierced the old hag's. Coupled with the swimming costume, she kinda looked like Gabriella from High School Musical 2.

Normally Dan wouldn't be so forthcoming with a stranger, but Dan jumped in, seeing as how someone had actually dared to stand up to that crazy bitch. He continued, "Secondly, we didn't sneak into this pool. Before you jump to ridiculous conclusions, you might want to tap into that unused part of your brain called common sense, and remember that you need a membership card to access this pool in the first place? This may be a private pool, but it is one of the many facilities that a membership, which the two of us possess, entitles us to. So sure, go ahead, call the security and tell them that there is a public nuisance here disrupting others, because that person is you, and if **you** don't leave, **I'll** call security."

"You... You hoodlums can't speak to me like that! I want to speak to whoever's in charge this instant!" The old hag practically squawked out, raising her volume.

"Hi ma'am, you called?" Gabriella answered, a look of innocence on her face.

"Don't try to be funny. I'm looking for someone with authority here. Surely you know what that means?" The old hag scoffed at Gabriella.

"I am the authority here, and I'm sure you know what that means? It means I have the right to remove anyone who's causing a disturbance from the premise." She pointed to the name tag on the lanyard around her neck, finishing off with a sickeningly sweet smile.

The old hag was stunned into silence, but recovered just quickly enough to yell to her friend, "Come on, Becky, let's go. I don't need to share a pool with scum like these. Ugh."

As she and Becky left, Gabriella waved at them, even yelling out a "Hope you enjoyed your visit!".

Dan and Phil waited until the duo had left to go into the changing room before bursting into laughter. Seriously? This was practically a sketch from one of his videos. The fact that her friend's name was Becky was almost too much to handle. Dan wouldn't be surprised if that hag's name was Jessica. How apt that would be.

They were gasping for air by the time they had calmed down, it was a surprise no one had thought they were drowning.

"I hope she didn't bother you too much. God I hate stuck up people." Gabriella said with a smile, rolling her eyes just thinking about how many of those types of people she had to deal with on a daily basis.

"Then why do you still work here?" Phil asked.

"The pay's good, plus I'm just waiting to go to university so this helps pass the time. Today's my last day though. It's probably the only reason why I dared to say that to her face." She then leaned in and added, "Psst, I'm not actually the authority here. I'm just a lifeguard. But she doesn't need to know that now, does she?" Winking, she turned to take her leave.

"Wait, what's your name?" Dan asked, curiosity peaked about this sassy, savage girl.

"It's not important enough for you to know. Enjoy your visit, Dan and Phil." She smiled, disappearing into the staff room with a wave over her shoulder.

Looks like she'll stay as Gabriella for now.

She obviously knew who they were, which surprised them considering the fact that she hadn't so much as asked for a photo or an autograph from them like most phans would upon meeting them. Maybe she hated them? But then she wouldn't have stood up to the crazy bitch on their behalf.

She was an enigma, intriguing them both.

"That was odd. She seemed really nice, and I'm glad she stepped in when she did. That lady was terrifying! It's a shame it's her last day though." Phil commented, shrugging it off.

Dan hummed in agreement, staring in the direction of the staff room, before finally turning his back with a "come on, Phil", as he swam to the opposite end of the pool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out to be longer than I expected, but I just had a spurt of inspiration, and I just couldn't leave out any parts of what I'd written.
> 
> This chapter was originally even longer, but I decided to cut it, so their visit here will be cut into two chapters.
> 
> Do let me know if you prefer chapters to be of this length, or even longer :)
> 
> In case you're wondering about Dan's mental breakdown in the beginning, it's a follow up from his existential crisis two nights ago. It doesn't just go away in a day or two.
> 
> Hope everyone is well :)


	9. Maybe I don't want to be sane

They decided to get some proper exercise done since that was the whole point of their visit for the day, and they swam a few laps before Phil's stomach unceremoniously grumbled for all to hear.

"I think it's time we grab some lunch. Otherwise your stomach might end up eating itself." Dan got out of the pool, followed by an all too eager Phil.

"Yay! Food!"

Phil shook his hair like a wet dog as they walked towards the showers, much to Dan's amusement.

It wasn't uncommon for there to be a communal showering area in men's showers, but with all that had happened today, Dan had prayed to the Gods above that there would at least be individual shower stalls considering the poshness of the place.

Stepping into the shower room, Dan decided that a God didn't exist after all.

_They most probably have a communal shower for all the rich bastards to congregate and compare their wealth levels and have dick fights over it or something._

Phil hadn't so much as flinched at the fact they were going to be showering so near each other. Sure, they'd done it before at the gym, but let's face it, that was like five billion years ago.

After getting his pouch with shower gel, shampoo and facial wash (Phil always did prefer using his own products), Phil stripped and started rinsing himself off.

Dan didn't think he could handle seeing Phil naked in such close proximity. He gulped, not looking forward to popping a boner in front of his friend, which knowing his luck, was bound to happen.

Dan just stood there, awkwardly shifting his weight from one foot to the other, as he wondered whether he should wait for Phil to finish his shower before getting in himself. As he was thinking, his gaze unconsciously drifted to Phil's form.

Water cascaded down his pale, alabaster skinned back, and Dan's eyes followed the stream of water flowing from the nape of Phil's neck down to his back, and further down to-

Dan jerked his head back up before he saw anything else. Ugh. He had to stop this lewd train of thought.

He just hoped to god Phil wouldn't do the thing all hot guys did, where they used their hand to push their wet hair back while water flowed down their bodies and FUCK- Phil did the thing.

When had it reached such a point that the mere thought of Phil naked would get Dan all riled up? His body was fucking with him. The next thing he'd know, he'd be turned on by barn animals or concrete or some shit.

Deciding that he was being stupid, Dan decided to just screw it and get in the shower.

Unfortunately for Dan, the only shower available that wasn't directly next to Phil's was still one in which Phil would be within Dan's direct line of sight. If he turned his head to the left, he would be able to see Phil in all his glory.

Dan turned on the faucet of the shower, and relished in the warmth it provided. At least there was hot water. Dan always showered in scalding hot water, so he relaxed and let the water soothe his sore muscles.

There was also free shampoo and shower gel provided. Dan couldn't care less about the product's quality, unlike Phil, so he was perfectly fine with using them. The only problem was, as he pushed the pump of the shampoo bottle mounted on the wall, all that came out was a pathetic gust of air.

No, no, no. This was not happening to him right now. Dan pumped the button a few more times to be sure, and when it was clear that the bottle was empty, Dan closed his eyes and breathed out a heavy sigh at his sheer bad luck.

_What sort of fucking posh place runs out of shampoo? Surely the staff would have refilled them. Fucking service._

He could use the other bottles, but the nearest one was just in front of Phil, and on the other hand, it would be really weird if he went up to a naked stranger to ask to use the bottles in front of them. He could just borrow Phil's own shampoo and shower gel, but either way, he'd have to go towards the area Phil was showering.

"Phil, uhh, could I borrow your shampoo and shower gel? The bottles here are empty." Dan shyly asked, tilting his head ever so slightly to the left, just enough to get his question across.

"Yea, sure, I'm just about done with them." Phil replied as he lathered the shampoo into his raven black hair.

Dan made his way to where Phil was on the left, all the while telling himself, "Don't look down, don't look down". He just focused his eyes on the wall. The tile design was indeed incredibly fascinating.

Once he reached within arm's distance of Phil, he stood there awkwardly, expecting Phil to pass him the bottles.

Phil turned his head to look at Dan, a questioning look on his face. He had some shampoo in his eye, so he was squinting, giving him a rather boyish look.

"I'm done with the bottles, so you can go ahead. They're on the floor."

Dan didn't dare let his eyes travel down to the floor where the bottles supposedly were. His cheeks flushed at the thought of where his face would be if he bent down to pick them up.

He was being a real pussy about all of this. So what if he saw Phil's dick? He'd seen it before, and it's perfectly normal for guy friends to have seen each other completely naked. So what was the problem here?

Ok, Dan, stop overthinking things. You're just going to squat really quickly, take the bottles and leave immediately. On the count of one, two, three-

"Ow!" A wave of pain radiated through Dan's head. He had been standing too near the wall, and as a result, when he had moved to squat down so quickly, he knocked his head against the faucet on the right. Upon impact, as a natural reflex, he clutched the spot on his head that he hit, leaning towards the left, and suddenly it was like everything was happening in slow motion.

Dan's head collided with yet another object, this time something less hard and more...squishy.

Dan took back what he had thought before about there not being a god.

Surely there was a god up there, going out of his way to find ways to mess with Dan, because no one could possibly have that much bad luck in their entire lives, and Dan had experienced it all in just one day. At this point, it was the only logical explanation for the countless misfortunes to befall him.

"Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!!!!" Phil clutched his private area, face stricken with a mixture of pain and horror.

But it was nothing compared to the look on Dan's face.

His face turned such a dark shade of red it literally looked like his face was about to explode. He didn't need to worry about blood rushing to lower parts of his body when it was all currently concentrating at his face.

He just fucking headbutted Phil's dick.

It doesn't get any worse than that.

He sputtered out a string of words that was meant to be an apology but was really just unintelligible babble.

Dan had never felt like crawling into a hole and dying more than at that very moment. He was aware that they were getting a few stares, and he was still squatting on the floor for everyone to see his spread out butt cheeks, but that was the least of his concerns.

People probably thought he was giving Phil a blow job and bit him or something.

That's it. His friendship with Phil was over.

It was a good run.

How could they possibly recover from that? Not even the strongest of friendships would survive such a breach in personal space. The sheer memory would scar them eternally.

Dan was frozen in place, afraid to look up at Phil. He thought that maybe if he didn't move from his position, people would forget he was there and go back to their own business. Or maybe an earthquake would hit and swallow him in the cracks on the ground.

How does one casually move on from such a situation?

"Umm, Dan, could you move? I really need to wash the shampoo out from my eye."

Dan didn't need to be told twice, and jumped up, scuttling back to his own shower, not once sparing a glance in Phil's direction.

If he had, he would have seen that Phil's face was as deep a shade of scarlet as his, and he fumbled with the tap for a while before finally getting water to come out.

Dan just focused on squeezing the shampoo out of Phil's bottle and lathering it into his hair, albeit more aggressively than necessary.

"Ow!" Dan hissed in pain as he massaged the tender spot on his head he'd hit earlier. From the **first** hit. Not the,umm, second... hit.

He could feel a bump growing on his head by then; he had hit the tap pretty hard.

He hadn't gotten a boner as he'd expected from showering so near to Phil, but what had happened certainly wasn't by any measure better. In fact, he'd take getting a boner over headbutting Phil in the crotch any day. At least with a boner he could use cold water or thoughts about his grandma to try and get rid of it.

How was he going to face Phil after all of that?

He hadn't noticed that he'd been shampooing his hair for a good few minutes, until he felt his arms starting to feel sore.

Quickly applying some shower gel and rinsing both it and the shampoo off, Dan turned the tap off, daring a look in Phil's direction.

He wasn't there anymore. He must have finished bathing and gone to change already. Even though Phil used facial wash, he had still showered faster than Dan. Most probably to evade him as fast as possible, considering what had happened.

Dan sighed, wrapping a towel around himself, heading into the locker room.

Phil wasn't there, so Dan grabbed his bag out of the locker and proceeded to change.

Pulling on his usual black eclipse t-shirt and a pair of jeans, Dan looked around the changing room for any sight of Phil, who was still nowhere to be seen.

Dan was getting slightly worried at this point. What if Phil had decided to just leave without telling him?

He'd really messed things up this time.

Obviously Phil would have left. Who in the right mind would stick around to deal with the awkward mess he'd made?

Making one more round around the changing room to confirm that Phil wasn't there, Dan felt his heart sink. Some part of him was hoping that Phil was hiding in the corner somewhere to pop out and scare him.

He kept telling himself that Phil wouldn't leave Dan behind no matter the circumstances; even if he had killed Phil's house plants, he was sure Phil would be there to forgive him, but the evidence at hand proved otherwise.

He knew the day was going to be a disaster, but he expected that to maybe just be accidentally flashing another nine year old, or getting recognised and photographed half-naked by phans, not sticking his face in his best friend's crotch.

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder, checking his phone for any texts from Phil, but there were none. He couldn't hide his disappointment at that.

All his life, Dan had gotten used to people cutting him out of their lives at one point or another. He'd never had a best friend up until he was 18, because most friends he'd made ended up ditching him after a while. After all, he had an off-putting personality and an attitude to go with it.

No one had stuck around long enough to deal with his bullshit.

It really wasn't all that surprising that Phil conformed to that.

He was stupid for believing that Phil was different. He'd created mess after mess for Phil. Be it creating awkward situations like choking on cereal or yelling at Phil for doing something which was actually all for Dan's sake, Dan brought nothing but trouble for Phil, and this was probably the last straw. Of course Phil would get tired of him one day.

Everyone did.

Everyone sane, at least. He was glad his mum was just the exact opposite of what one would call sane.

He pushed open the door leading out of the changing room and back to the swimming pool.

Still no Phil.

 _Fuck this shit._ Dan tugged on his sling bag and trudged out of the pool.

Just as he was opening the door to exit, it swung open and whacked him square in the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU FUC-" Dan paused mid scream when he saw who it was that had nearly broken his nose.

Phil.

Not just Phil, but Phil with two bags in hand, and a look of concern on his face.

"Oh my god, Dan! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to swing the door so hard! Are you ok?" Phil was stricken with horror at what he'd done as he stared at Dan clutching his nose.

Dan felt the warm blood trickling down his nose and onto his fingertips, but it was like he didn't care at all. All that mattered was the person standing in front of him.

\------------------------------

"You're delirious, Dan. Looks like I didn't just break your nose. Your brain might need rewiring too."

Phil was sat in front of Dan, holding a bag of what turned out to be ice over Dan's nose, while Dan had his head tilted back, pressing some tissues to stop the bleeding.

Earlier, when Phil had accidentally smacked Dan in the face, all Dan had done was give him a loopy smile.

He looked like a complete lunatic.

Since Dan didn't seem to be in any hurry to address his nose bleed, Phil had to drag Dan with his head tilted back to the chairs located near the lobby outside so he could stop the bleeding proper.

Even now, Dan still looked dazed and he hadn't taken his eyes off Phil while he worked at all.

Phil was a little creeped out, honestly wondering whether Dan had suffered permanent brain damage.

Phil had placed one ice bag on Dan's nose, and after a few long minutes of cleaning him up, he picked up a second bag and placed it on Dan's head.

"Sorry, some of it's melted by now, but I hope it'll still do the trick." Phil said as he leant forward and closer to Dan to adjust the positioning of the ice bag.

"Where'd you get the ice bags from?" Dan was curious as to why Phil conveniently had ice packs on him. "Were you planning to break my face all along?"

"Well, after my shower I stopped by the office to see whether they had any ice packs, seeing as how you'd knocked your head pretty badly in the shower."

"Against the tap, I mean." Phil cleared his throat, seeing the need to explain fully where Dan had hit his head.

"Anyway, I thought some ice would help with the swelling. I'm glad I took an extra pack." Phil finished off, eyes trained on the ice pack settled on Dan's head.

After a few long minutes of silence, Phil removed the ice pack from Dan's head.

"It's all melted already. Do you want me to get another pack or-"

Phil looked up at Dan and paused mid-question upon seeing the look on Dan's face.

Dan was staring at Phil, gaze soft yet intent. Phil couldn't make out the emotion that was scrawled across Dan's face, but it seemed to him like relief crossed with something else, which he couldn't put his finger on.

That something else was guilt.

Guilt Dan felt for letting his overactive imagination get in the way of his rational thinking.

Guilt that yet once again, Phil was left to deal with his screw ups.

Most prominently, guilt that he hadn't trusted Phil even though Phil had never given him a reason not to.

Dan was a very emotional person. This didn't necessarily mean that he always outwardly showed his emotions, but it meant that he often let them run wild inside of him. It reached a point where they had a tendency to take over every fibre of his being.

He was insecure. That much was clear. He hadn't had a best friend up until he was 18, which was when he met Phil. He didn't want to lose Phil, not now, not ever, which was maybe why he might have overreacted in the changing room earlier when he didn't see Phil.

It was just the thought of Phil leaving him after finally realising that Dan wasn't worth it that made him sick.

And unbelievably scared.

But he knew that deep down, that still wasn't a good enough reason to ever doubt Phil.

And he felt immensely guilty for it.

"Dan?" Phil was concerned over the way his best friend was reacting, worried that he'd done something wrong.

"Thank you." Dan looked up into Phil's eyes, noticing the way Phil's eyes widened fractionally at that.

"Oh, it was no problem at all really." Phil was quick to brush off Dan's thanks, thinking that Dan was just expressing his gratitude to Phil for getting him some ice.

But there was just so much Dan was trying to convey in those two words.

He wasn't just thanking Phil for the ice; he was thanking Phil for being the the one person who would never leave him no matter how many mishaps he caused. For being the best friend he'd never had.

"Come on, your nose seems to have stopped bleeding, and we have a lunch reservation. It's your treat by the way."

Dan shook his head at that, picking up his bag from off the ground.

"Considering the fact that I might have made you infertile, I think a treat is the least I can do."

Dan was quick to turn the awkward encounter into a witty joke. He smiled softly, wanting nothing more than to go back to the usual banter with Phil.

He knew Phil wasn't going anywhere.

\----------------------------------

They went for lunch, which was not surprisingly, incredibly fancy. They decided to make the most of it, and pretended to be high-class patrons, which may or may not have included them yelling "That is mahogany!" whenever the other clinked their cutlery or wine glass atop the table.

After an extremely filling lunch, they made their way to the massage parlour for a full body massage. Dan didn't know how much he had needed the massage, actually falling asleep during the hour-long session, completely relaxed under the masseuse's touch.

The masseuse had to wake him from his slumber, and he got up feeling more refreshed than he'd ever been. From a massage at least. Most of the massages he'd ever received involved bone-cracking pain that left him feeling more sore than he was when he went for it.

So far, the facilities here were proving to be worth the membership fee after all. He didn't have a single complain about the place apart from the members that frequented it. Real life Jessica was but just one of the many stuck up snobs here.

Under Phil's insistence, they entered the recreational room, which included four billiard tables, some dart boards lining the wall, and Dan's favourite thing in the room, the bar. After watching Phil fail multiple times trying to play pool (he somehow managed to shoot the white cue ball into someone's drink on the table beside them), Dan decided to try his hand at the game, only to realise that he sucked just as badly.

They eventually cleared the table of all balls but two, the black and blue balls for Dan and Phil respectively (or white and gold to some).

They were engaged in a heated battle against one other to see who could knock the other's ball into the pocket first, much to the distaste of onlookers. At one point in time, a man in an expensive looking crisp blue suit came over to ask them to get lost, but the bartender stepped in and not only defended them, but gave them extra beers.

It appeared that almost everyone who worked here hated the members, from Gabriella the lifeguard to Brad the bartender (Dan did like giving strangers names).

After a few beers and a completely nonsensical game of pool, the two decided that it was getting late and that they should probably head home for the day.

It wasn't completely dark outside, but the sky was tinged with orange as the sun began to set. In the car, Dan assumed the same position he was in when they had first come to the club, looking out the window contemplatively.

Phil wanted to know what was going in Dan's head, but he didn't want to pry, knowing that if Dan wanted to tell him what was on his mind, he would.

It wasn't long before he heard Dan speak up, in nothing more than a whisper.

"I thought you'd left."

Phil remained silent, not knowing what Dan was referring to. His mind replayed all that had happened that day, trying to recall when he had ever left Dan.

"Earlier at the pool, when I went into the changing room, I didn't see you anywhere, and I thought that maybe you'd left without telling me." Dan explained, all the while keeping his eyes trained on the passing buildings outside.

Suddenly, everything clicked inside of Phil's head. _So that's why Dan was acting so weirdly when I was cleaning his nosebleed up. He thought I was mad at him and left._

"I'm sorry."

Phil's heart cracked when he heard those words come from Dan sounding so pained. He knew that Dan must have thought that Phil was sick and tired of his nonsense and left.

"I would never do that to you." All Phil ever wanted was for Dan to stop thinking that he wasn't good enough to be loved by anyone. It physically hurt him to know that this was most probably what Dan thought most of the time.

Why couldn't Dan see how many people loved and treasured him?

"I wouldn't blame you if you did. Anyone sane would." Dan's eyes dropped to his lap.

"Well then maybe I don't want to be sane!" They were at a red stoplight, and Phil had slammed his hands on the steering wheel as he turned his head to look Dan straight in the eyes.

Dan's head snapped up to see Phil's eyes burning into his with more intensity than he'd ever seen before.

Their eyes remained locked, until a honk from behind snapped them both back into reality. The light had turned green, and they broke eye contact as Phil quickly turned his attention back to driving.

Looking out the window, Dan felt like he was seeing a different view of London. Suddenly, it didn't seem as cold as before. Maybe Phil had provided the warmth that he never knew he was lacking.

As they approached their apartment, Phil broke the silence, asking, "Do your nose and head still hurt? How are you feeling?"

Dan allowed a small smile to grace his lips, eyes fixed on the passing lights outside.

"Never better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do leave a comment if you have any feedback for me to improve upon. It would really mean a lot to me, because I have mixed feelings about this chapter. Thank you, and I hope everyone is well :)


	10. Emerald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments, they really made my day and motivated me to continue :) I really can't put into words how much it means to me, so I really hope you enjoy this chapter!

As the two entered the apartment, the sun had long since set and it was dark out.

Dan plonked their set of house keys in the bowl next to the front door, tiredly climbing up the stairs.

He sure had one hell of a day. From having a panic attack to being completely embarrassed, to anger at Phil followed almost immediately by regret. From despairing and lonely to affectionate and warm, he really had been on an emotional roller coaster that day.

But the day wasn't over yet. They still had to edit the FNAF video they recorded the previous night.

Dan was still pondering over the events that had happened in the car ride earlier. Phil's eyes boring into his was a sight that would be burned into his mind. He would never forget the way Phil's pupils dilated as his eyes glistened with the powerful emotions swirling within.

Phil really had the most expressive eyes he had ever seen. They were incredibly beautiful, and reflected Phil's emotions to a t.

They never failed to enrapture Dan even though he saw them everyday. He could stare into those emerald shining orbs indefinitely, and he had sworn to himself that he would kill anyone who ever took the light from Phil's eyes.

Dan involuntarily shivered thinking about the way Phil's eyes had stared into his so intently. He rarely saw Phil get so aggressive with his emotions, so it was definitely refreshing, but at the same time puzzling.

Why had Phil gotten so worked up? Maybe it was because Phil felt hurt that Dan hadn't trusted him, actually thinking that Phil would abandon him.

But that didn't make sense. He remembered Phil sounding so soft and understanding when he told Dan that he would never do something like that to him. Or maybe Phil was getting tired of Dan acting like a whiny, insecure child?

No. He'd already doubted Phil once. He wasn't going to make the mistake of doing it again.

Dan just couldn't understand why Phil had such a 180 degree shift in mannerism in the car. He had started off soft and almost sorrowful, but had completely changed when he stared at Dan with what looked like passion and anger rolled into one.

_"Maybe I don't want to be sane!"_

Dan sighed, mind echoing with Phil's words. He didn't understand why Phil was so stubbornly sticking by Dan. One day, Phil would see that he was stupid for ever staying with Dan all these years.

Couldn't Phil see that Dan was poison?

But Dan wasn't going to think about that now. He was going to live in the moment and appreciate Phil while he still could.

"Dan! What do you want for dinner?" Dan's thoughts were interrupted as he heard Phil yell from the kitchen.

"I'm beat. Do you want to just order in some pizza?"

"Again? Honestly, we have to get you off your pizza diet." Phil shook his head knowingly while peering into their fridge.

"Hey! You should be grateful that I'm not still on my Maltesers diet at the very least."

"The one who should be grateful is your kidneys. More of those Maltesers and you'd be peeing out actual sugar."

Dan scoffed at that, leaning against the fridge door Phil was currently holding open.

"I guess pizza wouldn't be that bad. I'll call to order." Phil sighed, closing the fridge door.

"The usual please. Thanks!" Dan smirked at his victory over dinner, and went to get his laptop while waiting. Sinking into his sofa crease, he pulled out some headphones, blasted Muse, and scrolled Tumblr to pass the time.

It was slightly over an hour before Dan realised that the pizza still hadn't arrived yet. He only realised this because his stomach was threatening to eat itself. If not for that fact, he'd most probably be on his laptop until 6 in the morning.

"Phil?" Dan called out from his spot on the sofa. He was too lazy to actually walk all the way to wherever Phil was.

Hearing no reply, Dan tried again, this time louder.

"Phil!"

There was still no response.

_He had better been eaten by a grisly bear because that's the only good reason not to respond._

Pulling off his headphones, Dan shuffled into the kitchen.

Preparing to complain about why the pizza had yet to arrive, Dan stopped abruptly at the sight in the kitchen.

Phil was setting the table, where there were two plates of pasta. Upon hearing Dan enter the kitchen, Phil looked up and smiled brightly as he spread his arms in front of the food with a "tada".

"I thought we were getting pizza?" Dan was puzzled, question marks littering his face.

"We had the ingredients in the fridge for pasta so I decided to make some. No point in wasting money on pizza."

"Money wasted on pizza is not money wasted."

"Come on, Dan. Stop pouting. I think you'll like what I've made."

Dan peered at the food on the table. The pasta was evidently still warm, and it was covered in a thick tomato paste. There were chopped up pieces of capsicum and carrots on the side, topped with shreds of cheese, pineapple slices and meat slices cut into very deformed circles.

"Umm, Phil, why do our meals look like the frankenstein of all meals?" Dan peered suspiciously at the food.

"You said you wanted pizza, so I added those ingredients to give you the illusion it's a pizza. At least this way you can enjoy your pizza without the unhealthiness." Phil looked like a proud mother as he explained his creation, smiling brightly.

Dan couldn't contain the laughter bubbling inside of him at the sheer absurdity of it all. Only Phil would try to pizza-fy something.

"Wh-What?!" Dan choked out between laughs as he bent over double, hands leaning on the chair for support so he wouldn't fall over laughing.

"Hey! I bet it tastes _amazing_!" Phil pouted, moving to sit on the dining chair.

"I'm sorry, but on what planet does that even remotely resemble a pizza?" Dan wiped at the tears in his eyes, gesturing wildly to the food. The chicken was sliced into awful looking circles to resemble pepperoni, he presumed.

Phil indignantly dug into his food, mixing all the ingredients together as he scooped it into a spoonful. He exaggeratedly plopped the spoon into his mouth, smiling contentedly.

That was, until he started chewing.

He visibly cringed as he swallowed, immediately reaching for his drink to wash the taste away.

Dan smirked knowingly at Phil's naivety, but he knew he had to eat the food too since Phil had taken the time to make it after all, so he couldn't just let it go to waste. He slowly picked at his food, examining it carefully as he scooped a small amount of food onto his spoon before eating it tentatively, one small bite at a time. He closed his eyes, anticipating a revolting taste, but...

It actually didn't taste half bad.

Opening his eyes in disbelief, Dan dared to scoop more food into his mouth.

It was really decent, delicious even.

Who knew that concoction of ingredients would taste that good?

"Why are you cringing, Phil? This is actually pretty good. Who knew that the pineapples mixed with the cheese..."

Cheese.

Phil had added cheese to their meals. No wonder he wasn't enjoying it as much as Dan was.

"Why'd you add cheese if you don't like it?" Dan furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Well, I thought maybe I could fool myself into thinking that it's a pizza since normally I'm fine with eating the cheese on pizza." Phil shivered, picking at his food as he tried to push the parts with cheese to one side. "Turns out I was wrong. Blech!"

Dan was highly amused by that, because how could Phil even think that pasta could be a replacement for pizza? He laughed at Phil's reaction, wanting nothing more than to capture that moment.

So he did. He took out his camera and sneakily snapped a photo of Phil.

He wasn't being creepy or anything. He just really liked to capture real moments like this in a photo for him to look back on. He even had a folder titled 'Life doesn't suck' dedicated to such photos, that were really just random shots he snapped of day-to-day activities with memories he wanted to keep. It was a ridiculous name, but it was fitting to its content, because Dan looked through those photos whenever he was feeling suffocated with the things going on in his life.

It was sort of a reminder to him that things will always get better.

Dan smiled as he looked at the shot he snapped. Phil was frowning as he picked at his food with his fork, evidently trying to scrape away any cheese remnants. He reminded Dan of a small child being picky with his food, and it was too cute a scene not to capture.

Putting his phone aside, Dan tried not to smile at Phil's demise but was failing. It was obvious Phil wasn't going to like the taste of cheese on his pasta, and yet he still put it on the off chance that he could trick himself into thinking it was pizza. It was frankly so ridiculous, but incredibly adorable all at once.

After carefully manoeuvring the cheese portions to one side of his plate, which was basically half his meal, Phil managed to enjoy, or at least somewhat enjoy the rest of his creation.

"You should make this more often. I thought I'd be poisoned by it, but it's actually pretty delicious." Dan scraped up the sauce, leaving nothing on his plate.

"Yea but I just wish I hadn't added the cheese. It's so gross!"

Dan laughed at his friend's quirkiness, scooping up both their plates and plonking them into the sink to wash later. Being Dan, he was too lazy to wash them immediately.

"So how was the meal? I bet you loved it. You were practically licking the plate clean." Phil smiled brightly at Dan, wanting a confirmation of how good his creation was to those who didn't hate cheese like him.

Dan was busy typing away at his phone, not hearing the question directed at him.

_"Phil tried to get me off a pizza diet by adding pizza toppings to pasta. It doesn't taste that bad, but sorry, pizza is love, pizza is life"_

Pushing the tweet button, Dan looked up at Phil, not to answer his question, but to ask, "Do you want to start editing now?"

"Um..." Phil paused, blinking a few times as he shifted his eyes uncomfortably. as though wanting to say something, but ultimately deciding against it.

"Yea, sure." He settled on agreeing with Dan, smiling tiredly at him.

Dan, unfortunately, hadn't picked up on Phil's trepidation as he was replying to responses on his tweet.

"Ok, great. Thanks for dinner by the way." Looking up from his phone once more, Dan smiled at Phil before heading into his bedroom.

If only Dan had lingered longer, then he would have heard Phil's dazed reply to the empty room.

"No problem."

\----------------------------------

"I'm just adding the jump scare times into the description box. We should be done after that." Dan's attention was focused on the screen before him, as he re-watched the video to mark out the jump scares for the viewers.

Phil just hummed in response, eyelids starting to droop as sleep threatened to take him. It wasn't long before he couldn't take it anymore, so he got up from the chair next to Dan.

"I'm pretty tired so I'm going to bed first. You can just finish up the video and upload it. Thanks." Phil turned his back to head to his room without a glance over his shoulder.

"Wait- what? Phil? Is everything alright?" Dan looked over his shoulder at Phil, surprised at Phil's sudden departure. They always uploaded joint videos together, so it was unlike Phil to leave it to Dan alone.

"Yea, I'm just really tired." Phil glanced back at Dan and gave a tired smile to prove his point, but just as he was turning back to leave the room, he felt a strong grip on his arm.

"Phil. Tell me what's wrong. And don't tell me nothing, because I'd know you're lying." Dan was staring at Phil with a concerned look. He knew Phil well enough to know that that was a fake smile and he was hiding something.

"I-" Phil's diverted his eyes to the right and away from Dan's. Dan silently begged Phil to focus his eyes back on his, but those emerald orbs were looking anywhere but back at his hazel ones.

"Dan, I'm just really tired. Ok?" Phil sighed, hoping Dan would loosen his grip to let him go, but all it did was tighten it.

"Phil. _Please_. Tell me what's wrong." Dan implored, hating the fact that Phil would rather suffer in silence than confide in him.

It was suddenly like something snapped in Phil. His tired gaze morphed into one of frustration. He yanked his arm out of Dan's grip, causing Dan to stumble back.

"You want to know what's wrong, Dan? What's wrong is that you are just so blind!"

"You don't see how much you mean to so many people! You don't see how much we love and care for you! And I just- I don't get it, Dan!"

Phil threw his hands up in sheer frustration, tugging at his own hair, causing it to become disheveled. Before Dan could get a chance to reply, Phil continued.

"Why can't you see what everyone else sees when they look at you? Why can't you see what _I_ see? You know why I made you that dinner? It's because I wanted you to see how much I care about you, Dan! I was so tired, but I still made that ridiculous dinner for you because I wanted to see you smile. That's all any of us want from you, Dan. We just want you to be happy."

"And it just makes me so mad to know that you don't understand just how much you mean to us! I look in your eyes, and I know. I know what you were thinking in the car ride to the clubhouse earlier. I know what you think of yourself, Dan. And I want to help you so badly, but you're so oblivious to whatever I do for you, and I just don't know how- I can't-" Phil choked out those last few words, his composure completely leaving him. His eyes brimmed with tears as he finally did what Dan wanted him to do, and fixed his eyes on Dan's.

But what those eyes held wasn't something Dan wanted to see. Tears were threatening to spill from Phil's eyes, and he looked so frustrated and spent from releasing his pent up emotions.

Dan didn't even realise what he was doing until he saw his hands cupping Phil's face, thumbs wiping away the tears that were beginning to fall.

"Phil, don't cry. Don't-" Dan's heart was breaking with each passing second looking at the hurt and hopelessness in the depths of his friend's eyes. He wanted nothing more than to see the smiling Phil he had grown to care for so deeply over the years.

Standing before him was a worn out, tired figure who resembled nothing like the Phil he had become accustomed to seeing everyday. This Phil was choking back sobs, frustration and hurt reflected in his emerald orbs, that were now rimmed with red.

Dan was close to tears himself, seeing Phil like this. He could tell that this was long overdue, and that Phil had finally said what he had kept locked up for so long.

"You have no idea how much you mean to me, Phil. You're my best friend. You've been there for me when no one else was, and I- Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. I wonder what good deed I could have possibly done in my past life to have given me someone like you in this life. You're too good for this world, you're too good for me-"

"No I'm not." Phil interjected, voice scratchy from yelling and sobbing.

"I just- I feel like I haven't done enough to deserve you, and I feel like one day you're finally going to realise that and leave." Dan admitted.

"I've told you this before, and I'll tell you again, Dan. I'm never going to leave you. And I'll tell you that as many times as it takes to convince you." Phil's voice didn't waver when he said that, eyes locked on Dan's brown ones.

Dan pulled Phil closer until their foreheads were touching. His hands were still cupping Phil's cheeks, and he closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against Phil's.

Neither of them said a word for a good few minutes, and all that was heard was the sound of their breathing evening out.

"I just want you to know how much I care about you." Phil whispered.

"I do now." Dan replied, finally reopening his eyes to stare back into Phil's.

He pulled Phil into a crushing hug, and when they finally pulled away, Dan grabbed Phil's hand in his, wordlessly guiding Phil to his own bed. The two got into bed together, where Dan held Phil like his life depended on it. He knew that they needed this right now, and he didn't want to leave Phil alone for the rest of the night. He wrapped his arms around Phil, not wanting to let him go.

"I do now."

Dan whispered once more into Phil's hair as he snuggled closer, falling into a sleep, dreaming of a certain pair of emerald orbs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect my chapter to take such a turn, but what can I say? Phil was begging me to let him tell Dan what he felt, so how could I refuse? I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and as usual, any comments are deeply appreciated! I hope everyone is well :)


	11. One song, a thousand memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Before you dive into this chapter, I'd like to say that there's a lot of music involved, and trust me when I say this, I really think that actually listening to it while reading will be a much better experience, so I've left links below to what I listened to while writing this chapter. 
> 
> You can start listening to them when the songs are mentioned in the chapter itself :)
> 
> If you're too lazy to click on them, at the very least please listen to the second and last songs on the list. They are the more emotional ones :) I've also linked some videos of Dan and Phil where the songs are used, so you can watch them if you haven't already to get a feel of why I used them :)
> 
> 1\. Toxic - Britney Spears, Melanie Martinez version (0:00 - 1:33)  
> http://youtu.be/u36w8Myy--8
> 
> 2\. Always - Erasure (0:20 - 1:18)  
> http://youtu.be/PK1CsKYlt1Y  
> Dan and phil singing: http://youtu.be/rW_kfW7xzsQ
> 
> 3\. The landing - Final Fantasy VII (0:43 - 1:24)  
> http://youtu.be/EBHb3pdckXI  
> Dan and phil playing: http://youtu.be/hEk1cp9vQ_Q
> 
> 4\. Sunburn - Muse  
> Dan and Phil playing: http://youtu.be/QcAOAl6gZK0
> 
> 5\. My songs know what you did in the dark - FOB (0:33 -1:12)  
> http://youtu.be/zN4HKFr4Kx4  
> Original BBC video: http://youtu.be/M8ibw5yJE3o
> 
> 6\. Spooky scary skeletons (0:07 onwards)  
> http://youtu.be/QUyLm2bMzDE
> 
> 7\. Ingenue - Thom Yorke  
> Dan's version: http://youtu.be/dIMOyOFCcnA
> 
> Ps. The timings are what I imagine are the parts to be played during the medley. Sorry, I'm a huge music geek hehe. Enjoy! :)

Feeling a beam of sunshine annoyingly shine across his face, Dan squinted as he slowly opened his eyes. He didn't know what time it was, but he guessed it was around noon based on the scorching sun outside.

He moved to get out of bed, only to realise that he couldn't due to a weight atop him. Phil was sprawled across him, face down on the pillow as his right arm was flung over Dan's stomach, with both their legs in a tangle of limbs. Dan's arms were still wrapped around Phil, as though even in his sleep he was afraid to let Phil go.

Dan couldn't bring himself to wake Phil from his slumber, remembering how tired Phil was from yesterday. He was surprised Phil hadn't woken up already to be honest. Phil was always more of a morning person than Dan, but then again, almost everyone was. The only times Dan was awake in the morning were when he would go to sleep at 5am after being on the internet for the entire day. Phil must have been really tired to sleep in later than Dan.

Feelings of guilt from last night overwhelmed him. Everything Phil said had shocked Dan into silence. Dan found it hard to believe that so many people cared for him, but Phil's outburst yesterday had him thinking otherwise. He couldn't remember a time when Phil had yelled so heatedly at him about something, so his words had really sunk in. Before yesterday, Dan felt that it wasn't possible to feel so loved, but now, he couldn't imagine ever going back to feeling that way again.

He didn't realise how much he'd needed to hear what Phil said until he heard it. It was like an affirmation that he wasn't just a waste of space. That he would always have Phil by his side.

Perhaps it was this realisation that allowed Dan to reflect on how much Phil had done for him, be it looking after him during his existential crises or making him smile. And it suddenly occurred to Dan just how much of a shitty friend he was for never doing anything of that sort for Phil. It was always Phil who took care of Dan, and it was high time for it to be the other way around.

Dan settled back into bed, trying not to move too much to avoid waking Phil. He reached for his phone on his bedside table with his left hand since his right arm was trapped under Phil's body.

 _12.27pm_. Dan saw the time shown on his phone, and sighing, he put it back down. He wanted to do something to show Phil, in more than just words, how much he meant to him as well. But what could he do? Sure, he could just buy him a gift, but that would be incredibly thoughtless and mundane. Dan needed to do something that would really show Phil how thankful he was to have Phil in his life; something that showed his appreciation for everything Phil had ever done for him; something amazing, just like Phil.

Dan wracked his brain trying to come up with ideas on what to do. _Bake him a cake? No, that's pretty lame. Write him a card? Ugh. That's too mushy. Besides, I want to show my appreciation for Phil in a gift that words alone would fail to capture the full extent of. Make memes for him? God this is just conclusive proof that your brain is useless._

Dan closed his eyes, humming a song in his head to help get his brain juices flowing. And suddenly, it hit him. He opened his eyes so fast his eyelids may have torn off, and picked his phone back up, texting PJ.

_"Hey, do you think you could occupy Phil for the day?"_

\----------------------------------

Dan was on his phone, busy searching for what he needed on the internet, and it was around 1.30pm that he felt Phil start to stir.

Phil lifted his head off the pillow as he opened his eyes groggily, taking in his surroundings. He sat up, freeing Dan's hand which had gone numb by then, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"What time is it?" Phil asked, yawning while he crossed his legs to face Dan. He looked like a small sleepy child, and Dan resisted the urge to call him cute.

"It's 1.34." Dan replied, still trying to shake away the numbness from his arm.

"What?!" Phil suddenly became alert and he clambered for his phone on the table across the room to check the time in case Dan was tricking him.

"Oh my god I can't believe I slept in until the afternoon! Why didn't you wake me up?" Phil asked, looking panicked.

"You needed the sleep. You looked really tired yesterday, so I didn't want to deprive you of sleep." Dan responded quietly, getting out of bed to face Phil.

"Oh, right." It seemed that Phil only just remembered his outburst last night, and he awkwardly diverted his gaze away to the wall.

"Do you want to get some lunch?" Dan broke the silence, knowing that things would continue to be awkward between them if they kept thinking about the events from last night. After all, Phil had never shown his emotions so outrightly until the night before, so they both didn't know where to go from there.

"Yea sure. Oh, hang on, PJ texted me asking me whether I'm free to go over to his place to help with some lens stuff." Phil said as he checked his phone messages.

"Oh?" Dan had to feign surprise at that.

"Yea, he says we can have lunch at his place."

"Ok, you can just go ahead. I was planning on filming a video today anyway." It didn't feel nice lying to Phil, but he had to get Phil out of the house for the day.

"Alright. Hopefully I'll be back by dinner. I'll text you." Phil pocketed his phone, pausing to smile at Dan before he turned to leave for his own room.

Dan heaved a breath of relief when he heard the front door close, signaling Phil's departure from the house. Dan scrambled for his laptop; he needed to get to work immediately if he wanted to get it ready before Phil returned.

Grabbing a pack of Maltesers to serve as his lunch, Dan reentered his room, two hands lifting up the cover to unveil what he would be working on for the rest of the day.

\----------------------------------

Midway through his preparation at around 6.30pm, Dan heard his phone buzz. It was a text from Phil.

_"I won't be back for dinner tonight. PJ's insisting on bringing me to some place he says has the best burgers around. Please try and at least eat actual food for dinner. I'll be back around 9."_

Dan smirked, silently thanking PJ for keeping Phil distracted for the entire day. He needed all the time he could get to make his gift to Phil the best it could be.

He didn't even notice that he was getting hungry as he was fully engrossed in the task at hand. He couldn't stop for dinner anyway because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to complete what he was doing by the time Phil got home.

Putting down his phone, Dan refocused his attention on his preparation, not wanting to waste a single second.

\----------------------------------

**Phil's POV**

"Thanks for dinner PJ, but I really should get going." Phil shuffled his feet as he stood in front of PJ outside the burger joint they just had dinner at.

"But there's this really good chocolate dessert place that Sophie and I just discovered. It's ama-zing. The chocolate fondue. Muack! Delicious! Come on, you have to try it." PJ moved to grab Phil's arm and pull him in the direction of the dessert shop, not giving him a chance to reply.

"Umm, PJ, it's really alright. I'm still full from dinner. I don't think I could eat another mouthful." Phil nervously tried to yank his arm away from PJ's grip.

PJ rambled on excitedly, trying to get Phil hyped up as well. "Oh come on, it's only 9.30. We still have the whole night ahead of us! Maybe we can go sing some karaoke too or-" A buzzing sound interrupted, and PJ reached for the phone in his pocket. He pocketed it all too quickly after reading whatever message he'd just gotten, and said, "You know what? It is getting late. We should hang out again some time. Thanks for today!" Waving Phil goodbye, PJ turned on his heel and stalked off in the other direction abruptly, leaving Phil on the pavement to comprehend what just happened.

PJ had been acting really strangely the entire day. Even back at PJ's apartment, he'd been asking Phil questions about lenses that he should already know the answers to, seeing as how he made videos about lenses and all. Phil was no expert on lenses, so it was strange that PJ would come to him for advice. It almost seemed as though PJ was stalling, but for what, he didn't know. All he knew was that he had no way of understanding what had just happened and why PJ had left so suddenly.

Shrugging his shoulders, Phil flagged a cab to finally go back to his apartment. He texted Dan explaining why he still wasn't back yet, but he didn't receive a response. _Maybe he was busy editing. He did say he was planning to film a video._ Phil locked his phone, and stared out the cab window, admiring the view of London at night.

When he reached the apartment, he paid the cabby and got out, shivering slightly from the cool temperature as he made his way quickly into the apartment.

"Dan, I'm back." Phil called out as he climbed the stairs from their front door. There was no response, so Phil called out, "Dan?", poking his head into the kitchen and lounge to see where his friend was.

"Dan?" Phil had just entered Dan's room before he stopped abruptly at the sight in front of him, or rather, stopped at what he heard.

A soothing melody came from the piano that Dan was currently perched in front of, playing a piece that Phil quickly recognised as "Toxic" by Britney Spears, but it wasn't nearly as fast paced or upbeat as the original song. This was a more laid back and soothing version, peaceful even. Phil found himself entranced by this unique take on the song, and he was lured in by Dan's playing, moving to sit on the piano seat alongside Dan.

 _Too high_  
_Can't come down_  
_Losing my head spinning round and round_  
_Do you feel me now?_

As the chorus began, Phil was so tempted to sing along, but held back not only because it would disrupt the gentle melody of the piece, but because this song meant a lot to the both of them, and he was too entranced in Dan's beautiful rendition of the song.

 _The taste of your lips_  
_I'm on a ride_  
_You're toxic, I'm slipping under_  
_With a taste of your poison paradise_  
_I'm addicted to you_  
_Don't you know that you're toxic_

 _And I love what you do_  
_Don't you know that you're toxic_

If there were a song for the two of them, it would be this. They'd sung this together many times in their older videos, so listening to it now brought back memories of where their relationship had started 7 years ago.

As Phil was getting into the rhythm of the song and its soothing chords, the song transitioned into another song much to his surprise. It wasn't hard to recognise this song either. It was "Always" by Erasure. Phil remembered the time he sang that song with Dan in one of their videos, causing him to smile at the memory. That was one of the times they'd sung a duet, actually trying to make it sound decent, and it was also in one of their older videos. Just as Dan was getting into the chorus, Phil couldn't help it and started to sing along. What surprised him was that Dan had decided to sing as he started the chorus as well.

 _Always_  
_I wanna be with you_  
_And make believe with you_  
_And live in harmony, harmony oh love_

They both smiled at the memory of when they'd sung that together easily 4 years ago. He vividly remembered that after filming themselves singing that song, they'd turned to look at each other, and no words were exchanged. They simply just looked at each other.

That shared look was basically an unspoken proclamation that they wanted the other by their side at all times, and they wanted what they had to never fade away. Its meaning resonated even more strongly now that the two had practically become inseparable. Just like 4 years ago, they turned to look at one another, as though saying, "We've stayed true to our promise of 'always' so far, and I'm so glad that even now, I'm still with you."

Suddenly, the song changed again, this time to something more intense. Phil actually laughed when he heard what it was. It was "The landing" from Final Fantasy. That was one of the first few songs on the piano that Dan had taught Phil, and he remembered being so excited when he showcased what he'd learnt from Dan during one of their liveshows.

They played it together during that liveshow, Dan accommodating Phil's out of tempo playing. He remembered asking Dan to teach him that song because they were both nerds who liked gaming, and that much still hadn't changed up till now, but back then, it was so exhilarating to play the theme song from a game on the piano. Dan had been patient and tolerated his lack of rhythm, clapping to help him set the right tempo. It felt amazing to hear himself play something nice, with Dan's help of course, and it was a proud moment for Phil.

The song transitioned into "Sunburn" by Muse, yet another song they'd performed together on a liveshow. Phil smiled at the memory, and on a whim, started to meow along to the song, like he'd done back then. Dan laughed out loud, faltering for a moment before regaining his composure to continue playing. Muse was what brought the two of them together in the first place, so listening to Dan play this song was like another reminder of their past.

It was then that Phil realised what Dan was doing. He was playing a medley of songs that represented their time together over the years, starting from when they'd first started collaborating. He was bringing Phil down memory lane through music, and Phil was completely amazed by that.

Phil was at the edge of his seat, anticipating what Dan was going to play next. He went on to play "My songs know what you did in the dark" by Fallout Boy, which was probably a throwback to the time they met Fallout Boy thanks to BBC Radio 1. They'd met many celebrities and had interviews with them, which was simply incredible. Phil couldn't believe how blessed they were to be given the opportunity not only to host their own radio show, but to meet and actually interact with celebrities that before then, were just famous people that they could only worship from afar. To think that they actually met Fallout Boy, One Direction and many other pop stars was insane. And it was all thanks to BBC Radio 1.

He was grateful that he'd asked for Dan to join him back then when he'd first been invited to do a Christmas special. He couldn't imagine what would have happened if Dan hadn't been next to him along the way. Phil looked over at Dan and smiled gently, silently thanking him for, well, everything.

Dan took him by surprise by suddenly changing the mood as he started to play "Spooky scary skeletons". Phil was in complete awe at Dan's skill, watching Dan's slender fingers dance across the piano keys to the fast paced and frankly ridiculous song. It reminded him of Comic Sans and Papyrus from Undertale.

This was probably Dan playing about their gaming channel that they'd started in 2014, making Phil smile fondly. He couldn't have been happier that he decided to create that gaming channel with Dan collectively instead of individually like he'd planned to at first. There were so many memories from their gaming channel, like Dan VS Phil and more importantly, their digital spawn, Dil. This was a significant milestone in their lives together.

Dan lifted his fingers from the keys sharply, concluding the song, and what Phil thought to be the end of the medley. Just as Phil was about to compliment Dan's incredible playing, Dan gently lowered his fingers back onto the keys, closing his eyes as he played a soft melody that was a vast contrast to the "Spooky scary skeletons" he had previously been playing. It was "Ingenue" by Thom Yorke, and was a piece that always pulled at Phil's heartstrings whenever he heard Dan play it. It was a beautiful masterpiece of a song, speaking volumes by itself.

Phil didn't know the meaning behind the piece, but it sounded to him like a song someone who has finally found peace and bliss would play. It was just so calm yet emotional, and Phil could feel the emotions that Dan was putting into the song.

When Dan reached the last note of the song, his fingers stilled over the keys, and he turned his head to look at Phil. Phil was staring back at him, completely mesmerised by that last song he'd played.

"That was incredible." Phil breathed out, managing to find his voice after being stunned into silence at the beauty of what he'd just witnessed.

"Thanks." Dan smiled shyly at the compliment, turning to look back down at the piano.

"I mean it. That was so incredible. I don't think I've ever heard someone play that beautifully before." Phil seemed starstruck, still trying to process what had just happened.

"Well you've obviously never heard the likes of Mozart or Shostakovich before."

"Don't play down the talent that you have, Dan. You are so full of talent and it's time you recognised that. What I just heard was so incredibly amazing." Phil remarked.

"I wasn't trying to show off or anything, I just wanted to-"

"I know what you were doing, Dan. And thank you for that. You have no idea how much this means to me." Phil pulled Dan into a hug, which Dan was most certainly not expecting as he let out a surprised "oh".

"That last song. It was my way of telling you how much you've changed me and my outlook on life. I guess I just didn't know how to tell you in words." Dan explained.

It was truly amazing what music could do, and Dan could not be more grateful that he had music in his life so he could express his emotions in a way that words alone would fail to do.

"Thank you." Phil muttered once more, hugging Dan even tighter.

After pulling away, Phil commented, "I can't believe you managed to pull that together in a day. Is this why PJ was acting so strangely? Did you ask him to get me out of the house?"

"Aha, umm, yes. Sorry about that." Dan grinned sheepishly.

"It's alright, but oh my god he just wouldn't stop talking about lenses."

Dan chuckled at that, lowering the piano cover as he and Phil got off the piano seat.

"Dan, please tell me you didn't just eat these for dinner." Phil was holding up the packet of Maltesers, tone like that of a mother reprimanding her child.

"Of course I didn't just eat that for dinner. I ate that for lunch too."

"Oh my god, honestly Dan! I swear one of these days you're going to get a heart attack or burst into flames from all this unhealthy food you're eating." Phil crossed his arms sternly.

"We're going out for dinner. Now." Phil's tone held no room for argument.

As Dan opened his mouth to reply, Phil quickly said, "And no we are not going to eat pizza either." Dan looked dejected, but knew that he couldn't argue with Phil when he was mothering him like that.

"Yes, mum." Dan joked, grabbing his phone and his keys as they headed out.

They were both smiling to themselves, relishing in the warmth the other provided as they walked side by side along the pavement.

It was brisk outside, but somehow, they had never felt warmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind words on the last chapter! They were incredibly sweet and I just want to say thank you so much for supporting this story so far! :) If you didn't listen to the songs I linked, please listen to at least Dan's playing of Ingenue by Thom Yorke. I was bursting with pheels just listening to him play, and I'm sure you will too if you haven't already heard it.
> 
> Once again, I hope everyone is well, and I hope you enjoyed he chapter :)


	12. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow omg I can't believe I haven't updated in an entire month. I'm really sorry about this! Yes, I'm still alive, and don't worry, I will not be abandoning this fic any time soon. I was just busy with university applications, and in hindsight, I probably should have given you guys a heads up. I'm really sorry about the long wait! :(
> 
> Also, finally one of our favourite people appears in the story! :) I'll definitely be writing more about that person in the following chapters. Enjoy! :))
> 
> And as usual, if you have any feedback, please feel free to leave them in the comments so I can improve on my writing. :)

As the days passed, Halloween inched closer and closer. They'd filmed a few other videos on their gaming channel in conjunction with their spook-fest. Everything was going well. They'd done their BBC Radio 1 Halloween special without any problems, except for the part where they had to remove the extensive makeup from their faces. How did girls survive doing this everyday?

They'd been filming videos together with ease, like nothing had happened, and while Dan was grateful, he was simultaneously _mildly_ annoyed.

Neither of them had brought up the events from their day at the pool or the medley Dan had played for Phil ever since. Dan imagined that things would be very awkward if he did.

It was weird for the both of them to have expressed their emotions so forwardly with one another, and it was an unspoken agreement not to bring them up again. It would just be, _weird_ , to talk about it. So they didn't.

Dan didn't like getting all sappy and emotional, so he had at least hoped that things would be different between the two of them after the whole 'feels' trip they'd gone on that day.

He didn't know exactly what he was expecting, to be honest. He just wanted _something_ to have changed, but Phil wasn't acting any differently, and seemed content with letting what had happened slide. It seemed to Dan like it was just, "Oh thank you for your thoughtful gift. I deeply appreciate it. But I'm going to act like I've forgotten about it immediately after. Cheerio!"

Sighing, Dan supposed that there really wasn't much that Phil could've said that he hadn't already said that night. And it wasn't like Phil didn't appreciate it. He knew that Phil did. It was just- He'd hoped that- _Ugh_. He didn't know what he'd hoped would've happened.

The worst part was, for nights after Phil's outburst, Dan still couldn't really digest everything Phil had said. He would just lie in bed, replaying Phil's words in his mind until his head started to hurt. It wasn't healthy, but that really didn't pose much of a concern for Dan.

He was going to lose his fucking mind at this rate.

" _Why can't you see what I see?_ " Phil's eyes held so strongly the pain that he clearly felt when he'd said that.

Dan let out a frustrated groan as he buried his face into his pillow, mind ingrained with the image of Phil's face when he said that.

What exactly was it that Phil saw when he looked at Dan?

Someone broken?

Because that's all Dan saw every time he looked into the mirror.

That conversation had helped Dan realise that there were people like Phil who cared deeply for him, but what it didn't do, was convince him _why_.

How could Phil insist that he'd be there for Dan through it all? Could it be that it was all just out of... pity? Maybe even just worry, that Dan would do something foolish if Phil wasn't there to stop him.

Maybe that's why Phil wouldn't leave. Because he was afraid that if he did, Dan would fall apart. Phil wasn't staying because he liked being in Dan's company.

He was staying only because he had to.

That was most probably why Phil had such a lack of reaction to Dan's gift. Phil had reacted like how a senpai would if a girl who he didn't feel the same way about had given him a confession letter. Dan was the girl in this case. Obviously.

_There you go again overthinking every fucking thing. Why can't you just turn your brain off for god's sake?_

That was easier said than done. Dan was still rolling around on his bed trying to shut his brain up from all these thoughts, but the more he tried not to think about it, the more he did.

_This is fucking ridiculous._

Picking up his phone, he texted the one person who he could talk to about this.

 _Dan:_  
_Hey. You awake?_

 _Louise:_  
_I am now._  
_What's up?_

 _Dan:_  
_Oh sorry I woke you. It's nothing. It can wait till the morning_

 _Louise:_  
_I'm going on Skype now. Meet me there in 5 min_

 _Dan:_  
_Really it's fine. It's late._  
_I don't know what I was thinking really_

 _Louise:_  
_That's because you weren't. Which means you need to talk_  
_Like I said, 5 min. And you better be there_

Smiling, Dan pulled up Skype on his laptop and soon enough, he saw the blue circle indicating Louise was online.

Dan heard the signature sound of an incoming call, and accepted it without hesitation.

"Hellooo." Louise's voice echoed through his earpieces, which he had plugged in for the conversation. Wouldn't want Phil to accidentally overhear him talking to Louise at 3 in the morning. Her pink locks came into frame as she smiled at him.

"Hi. You look awful."

"Honestly, Dan. Is that the way to greet someone who's losing sleep to talk to you?" Louise still checked her screen and combed her hair with her fingers just in case.

"Right. Sorry." Dan laughed nervously.

"So, what's the matter?" Louise wasted no time in getting straight to the point. It was 3 in the morning after all.

"Honestly I don't really know what to say. I mean- I just- I couldn't sleep."

"Just tonight, or...?"

"It's been going on for a few nights now." He decided not to mention the fact that when he did manage to fall asleep, it would only be for a short while before the same nightmare woke him.

Now that Louise looked closely, she could see the dark circles under his eyes. "Right, is everything ok? Are you pondering over the meaning of life again?"

Dan chuckled. "No, not having an existential crisis today. That happens on the first Sunday of every month, remember?" That earned a laugh from Louise. "I've just been doing a lot of thinking, and I can't stop really. It keeps me up at night. All these thoughts about-"

Dan paused, wondering whether this was such a good idea after all.

"Phil?" Louise eventually prompted. Dan didn't want to admit it, but Louise was spot on when it came to reading him.

"Yea." He breathed out, glad he wouldn't it have to say it himself, but at the same time, not knowing where to go from there.

"What exactly are these thoughts you're having of him? They'd better not be lewd because I'm not using my headphones and I don't want Darcy to hear any dirty-"

"God. No! Louise. Oh my god." Dan covered his face with his hands, embarrassed at what Louise was implying, even if she was joking.

"What exactly have you been thinking about?" Louise prompted.

Silence ensued, Dan wondering how to phrase his response so Louise wouldn't get too worried about him.

"Do you ever feel like your whole life has been a lie? That maybe you've constructed this perfect reality in your head only for you to wake up one day and realise that what you've thought to be true has really just been delusion on your part?"

"Honey, it's hard for me to understand you when you're being so cryptic. You know you can tell me anything."

Running a hand through his already disheveled hair, Dan tried to put what he was feeling into words so she could understand. "Like, imagine that you want something to be true _so badly_ that it warps your sense of reality, to the point that you see things the way you want to, and not the way they really are?" Tentatively, he whispered out, "What if that's what I've been doing all along? What if he's only stuck around for so long because he's worried about what will happen to me if he doesn't, and not because he really wants to be here like I thought he did?"

"Oh honey." Louise's eyes softened at Dan revealing one of his many insecurities, wanting nothing more than to reach out and hug him. Many a time, it was hard to tell what Dan was thinking, and this was one of the few times that he actually opened up. "My brain honestly isn't functioning very well right now and I'm not the best person to be giving advice in this state, but let me just ask you one question, Dan. Does Phil ever seem unhappy to you?"

Before Dan could reply, she jumped in. "And I don't mean when certain bad things happen like watching a cat die or something. Those times don't count."

"Do you ever see him unhappy when he's _alone_?"

Dan pondered over that for a while. He didn't recall ever seeing Phil just sitting in a corner looking depressed like he himself used to do. The last time he remembered seeing Phil upset was that night he'd yelled at Dan. Did that count? He supposed not, since that was a one-time event.

_I know what it means. Looking sad when you think no one's looking._

Molly's words to Sherlock rang through his head. He remembered feeling chills down his spine the first time he'd heard that, because that was exactly what he used to do. And he knew that Louise knew that too.

What she was basically asking was whether Phil ever looked like Dan when he was alone.

"Not to my recollection."

"Well then that answers your question. Phil isn't staying because he thinks you need him. He's staying because he wants to. Honestly Dan, the only times I've seen him upset are when you're upset."

"I'm one of your best friends, Dan. Trust me when I say this. I love you so much and Phil does too. Why we put up with your nonsense is beyond reason." Louise smiled, continuing, "All we know is that you make us happy and we love your company. So stop thinking otherwise."

Dan wasn't sure he was fully convinced, but he appreciated her sentiment, replying with a simple, "Ok, sure."

"I know you might not believe me, but you need to stop questioning the human heart, Dan. It's funny like that, and sometimes there's no logical explanation for the way we feel."

Dan didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't expecting that, to be honest. He could always count on Louise to know what to say to make him feel better, if only just a bit.

"For now, just try to get some sleep. Alright, honey?" Louise looked at him with genuine concern scrawled across her face.

"Yea, ok. Thanks by the way. Sorry I woke you."

"It's fine. The things I do for the people I love." She showed him one of her brightest smiles, adding, "You still owe me an explanation on how this all came about though. And don't you dare try to wiggle your way out of this. Are you free tomorrow, say 3pm?"

"Sure, that's fine."

"I'll text you."

Bidding him goodnight, Louise ended the call, and in a daze, Dan closed his laptop.

His phone chimed with a message from her a second later.

 _Louise:_  
_Get some sleep honey. We'll talk tomorrow_

Seeing no need to reply to that, Dan put away his laptop and phone, pulling out his earpieces. He snuggled back into bed, tugging up the covers, hoping that at least for tonight, sleep would take him.

\----------------------------------

Dan awoke with a start in a pool of his own sweat, his hands clammy and his fringe sticking to his forehead. His clothes were damp and as he moved to wipe the sweat from his face, he realised that there were tears staining his cheeks as well.

He'd been crying in his sleep.

Again.

Dan glanced at the clock at his bedside table, noting the time t be _5:17_ , before climbing out of bed and stumbling his way into the bathroom. He knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again after that nightmare. It wasn't the first time he'd had it after all.

After splashing water on his face to wash the tear streaks away, he grabbed a towel and dried off.

Staring at himself in the mirror, he saw that he had dark circles under his eyes from the severe lack of sleep he'd gotten over the past week.

Rubbing his eyes in defeat, Dan turned off the lights in the bathroom, not wanting to see his awful face in his reflection. He reentered his bedroom, falling back onto his bed, as he closed his eyes, but he knew that sleep wouldn't come.

It was always the same nightmare.

He would be running along the deserted streets of London, heart palpitating as he felt that someone was chasing him. He had to keep running or he'd be caught. He would see a lone building in the distance, and run in to seek refuge from whoever was chasing him. He would run in and slam the door behind him.

He would then notice that he'd entered a dilapidated Starbucks cafe, with no baristas, and with the furniture haphazardly arranged. He would wonder what had happened to the place before finally realising that he wasn't alone in the cafe. He would see that standing in front of him was a ghostly pale figure, and upon a closer look, he would see that it was really Phil.

The feeling of someone chasing him, hunting him down, was still gnawing deep in the pit of his stomach. He felt that his chaser would burst through the doors at any moment to get him.

He was glad Phil was there with him to face the monster that was chasing him, but something wasn't right. Dan would smile with a sigh of relief at the sight of his friend, and he would reach out to grab his hand so they could run from his chaser together, but in a split second, a gun would appear in Phil's hand.

He would look Dan in the eyes with his own lifeless ones which had sunken in, and he would put the gun into his mouth, his eyes never once leaving Dan's as he pulled the trigger, and Dan wouldn't be able to do anything.

It was always then that Dan would wake up crying, with the image of his friend taking his own life while he couldn't do anything but watch.

It was no wonder he was never able to go back to sleep after that woke him.

The moment Dan closed his eyes, he saw that scene replay, and he jerked up.

He didn't know which started first. The nightmares or his increasingly erratic insecure thoughts about Phil staying only because he was worried about Dan.

Either way, he knew he wouldn't even be able to rest for the remainder of the morning, so he got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, his throat feeling dry and scratchy.

He didn't bother to turn on the kitchen lights, and after pouring himself a glass of water, he leant against the kitchen stove and slowly drank it. It was no good though, he couldn't rid himself of the horrific image that had now been permanently burned into his brain.

Chucking his glass into the sink, he made his way back into his bedroom, but not without crashing into the glass door of the kitchen first.

"For fucks sake!" Dan clutched his nose, choosing a few more choice swear words before finally reentering his bedroom.

Dan decided to use his time wisely since he was up already, and he opened a word document with video ideas. He wasn't in the state to plan a video, but he needed the distraction.

He was lying on his bed, tucked under the covers as he used his laptop in the dark. He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights since he preferred the darkness anyway.

All of a sudden, a bright light erupted, causing Dan to squint in pain and his hands to fly up to shield his eyes.

"What the fuck?" Dan yelled out as he turned his head towards the light switch, only to see Phil standing there wearing his glasses, looking like he just woke up as his hair was flattened on one side.

"Dan? Why are you still up at this hour?" Phil questioned with a hint of an accusatory tone. He most probably thought that Dan hadn't slept at all that night.

"I had a sudden idea for a video. Wanted to write it down before I forgot." Dan decided to lie so Phil wouldn't worry about him or start nagging. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I heard a crashing sound." That must have been when Dan smashed into the bloody kitchen doors. "So you woke up in the middle of the night, turned on your laptop, just to write down your idea?" Phil looked skeptical at Dan's answer, moving from the doorframe towards Dan.

"Of course not, you spork. I just suddenly had the inspiration for this video, and the creative juices were just, as they say, flowing within me, so I had to finish writing up the video." Dan tried to cover up his lie to make Phil believe him and just go back to bed, but Phil was relentless.

"Oh, what's the video about?" Phil had most probably asked the question out of sheer curiosity.

"Umm, you'll see when it comes out." Dan didn't want to dig a deeper hole for himself through a spiral of lies, because who knows what kind of shitty video he would have to make, but his response made him come off as aloof.

"Do you need help filming? I'm free tomorrow, or today, since it's technically morning already." Phil was taken aback by Dan's response, but wanted to offer his help nonetheless.

"No, it's fine. It's a simple video to film."

"Are you sure? Because I-"

"I said it's fine." Dan snapped. "Why do you always feel the need to baby me? I can manage myself, Phil."

"Oh, ok. I'm sorry." Phil was treading on thin ice, and he was afraid to even reply anything after Dan had just lost his temper at him like that. He didn't know what he'd done, but he wasn't about to ask Dan that.

Dan didn't reply, and just stared angrily at his laptop.

"Try and get some sleep." Phil timidly remarked before leaving the room.

Once Phil had closed the door and Dan heard him enter his own room, he slammed his laptop shut and actually nearly flung it across the room. He settled for the pillow next to him, and threw it with as much force he could muster.

_Stop. Fucking. Worrying. About. Me._

With each word, Dan threw an object increasingly hard at the wall. He didn't know why he was getting so worked up, over that, but it was most probably hearing Phil's worried tone that set him off.

He didn't want Phil to worry about him. He didn't need Phil to worry about him.

It just made him so mad hearing Phil once again, worry about him. Dan could take care of himself. If Phil was just staying to look after him and worry about him, then he could just fucking leave.

If Phil was just staying to patronise him, Dan didn't want to live with him.

He didn't want to be the one who made Phil unhappy just because he felt that he had to stay for Dan's sake. Dan didn't want what happened in his nightmare to become reality, and he was worried that forcing Phil to stay around him might slowly drain him to that effect.

After all, Dan was poison, and there was just no antidote.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to post this chapter on Dan's birthday, but I am sorry that it turned out to be such a depressing chapter. I just read the news about Christina Grimmie, and I'm just so infuriated and upset at what happened. How many more people will it take for gun laws to finally change? She was an incredibly talented and superbly wonderful person, and she had her whole life ahead of her. To think that it could be taken away so easily just makes me so angry. She didn't deserve this. I'm sorry, but this rage probably translated into the chapter, but don't worry, the next chapter will be less angsty (although I did promise angst in this fic and you guys signed up for it anyway). 
> 
> Sorry for my rant. I really do hope everyone is well. Please stay safe :)


End file.
